Well, somehow I’ve reached my first goal which was (as I remember it) to get under 200 lbs.

As of this morning I am officially in “One-derland”! I weighed in at 199.5 pounds. Just under the wire, but I’ll take it!

Honestly, since I’ve gone back to eating carbs the weight has been coming off more slowly. Especially since I had my period last week. I was hovering at 201.5 lbs for a couple of weeks and didn’t have much to say other than, “I have to eat carbs because if I don’t I get so dizzy and nauseated I get nervous to drive and have to lie down every day.” Not fun.

But I think I’ve discovered that if I just don’t eat crappy junk food, processed food, cookies, sweets, etc. while I’m taking this medicine and eating normally I can do fine.

I’ve been thinking what to call this type of eating… and although this might be too filled with judgement for many people who struggle with food, for now I’m calling it “eating like a grown up”. Let’s face it, my kids eat a ton of stuff that I would love to eat, but just shouldn’t. They are still growing and I’m not. Their bodies and metabolisms can handle daily ice cream and cookies. Mine can’t.

My parents, my in-laws, most of my friends, all of whom are at a normal weight, don’t eat that crap except on special occasions. So, that’s what I’m trying to do. It’s what I’ve been doing these past couple of weeks and I’ve lost 3 pounds since starting so that’s ok by me.

I lost 10 pounds the first month on this medicine and seriously dieting. But I felt like crap all of the time and it was not sustainable.

I lost 5 pounds the second month on this medicine and just eating like “a grown-up”. I feel basically healthy and fine and much less tortured by food.

We’ll see how month three goes.

One caveat to the eating plan… I’m generally not eating wheat. I’ve realized that it really does give me a headache. I say things like this all the time after I stop eating wheat. I must sound like a moron now for “realizing” the same things over and over again. But it’s true. Wheat makes my head hurt. But, I’m not interested in feeling massive amounts of deprivation or frustration right now. (We’ve got enough going on with my son.) So, if I’m at home, I stick with gluten free. If I’m in a restaurant I try to avoid it, but if I have a little of it out I’m not going to panic about it or feel guilty.

For today, that’s the plan

 

I’ve been gone this last week because once again things are going on with my son’s health that distract me from everything else. You’d think we’d be used to this by now and it wouldn’t throw us for a loop. But it always does.

I’ve been ok with the food this week. Perhaps a few more grams of carbs than I should have but most of them were coming from fruits etc. so I wasn’t too worried. But this morning I’ve eaten 1/2 pancake that my son left on his plate and three waffles. All with butter and syrup. Oh, yeah, I also had a chocolate chip cookie because I was so hungry I couldn’t wait for the waffles to cook.

I have to hold this together.

Even my husband is having a problem with food and he doesn’t even have eating issues. Last night we ate our dinner and then when the kids were eating pizza he ate two slices just because it was there.

I can’t let this go off the rails completely. I just can’t. I feel as though there is too much at stake. But I lose my ability to see the bigger picture when I’m emotionally stressed like I am when my son’s health is at stake. The stress also makes my body grab on anything and everything I eat and refuse to let go, so no matter what I do this week my weigh in next time is going to be terrible.

Great attitude, right?

I logged the waffles in my food diary. I guess I’ll just try to adjust the rest of my day to compensate.

Sigh. It never really gets easier.

 

After four days of being on this new plan of eating I decided that I needed to know what was going on. So, I weighed myself on Saturday morning, two days earlier than I had planned.

I stepped on the scale and thought to myself, well, this is it.

I lost 1 pound in those 4 days.

So, now, I’m committed to this new plan.

For now.

For as long as it works.

But this new medication has made me say something I never thought I would: I need the carbs.

Not junk food carbs… just some occasional slices of gluten free bread for a sandwich or an apple in the afternoon. Itkeeps my blod sugar up which keeps me from feeling dizzy, nauseated, and exhausted. I consider this a win.

So, I’ll wait until Wednesday for my next weigh in and be hopeful that the loss continues.

201.5 and counting.

As I mentioned last time, I ate an apple and some GF toast and started to feel like a human being again. It was kind of surprising how different I felt but I wasn’t prepared for how different I was going to feel 24 hours later.

On Tuesday I spent the day eating relatively “normally”. Here’s the run down:

  • Breakfast: 2 eggs over medium with two slices of GF toast
  • Lunch: Low-carb, low-sugar, protein bar (Quest bar)
  • Afternoon snack: 1 cup fresh strawberries
  • Dinner: 2 sushi rolls with raw fish which included approximately 1/2 cup white rice total
  • Night snack: 1 orange

I couldn’t believe how dramatically everything changed as a result of adding back in such a small amount of carbs. I felt healthy again. I felt energetic not exhausted. The nausea and dizziness were gone. In the afternoon and evening I got a little tiny bit woozy and decided to have some fruit and the feeling instantly went away and I felt good again.

On Tuesday I also went back to tracking everything that I ate. For the past two days I’ve stayed in my ranges for carbs and protein and I’ve felt well, not perfect – I don’t want to overstate things, but pretty darn good. So much better than the past month and a half that I almost can’t believe it.

When I look back on the way I’ve been feeling physically the past six weeks, and what and how little I was eating, it seems almost dreamlike that I was walking around in such a fog. Today my stomach is full and my head is clear and while I’m still not eating junk and sweets I’m not looking at every piece of food as an enemy anymore. Which is nicer than I can express.

I’m going to stay hopeful that the scale isn’t going to show me that this is a terrible mistake. I think that if it becomes clear that the only way I can lose weight anymore is to starve myself like I’ve been these past weeks then I’m going to very seriously consider the possibility that fat and fit is going to have to be who I am from now on.

But, again, I’m done prognosticating. Today is today and I’ll worry about the rest of it when it happens because I admit I no longer know much of anything. And that’s ok!

Well, not entirely “done”, just regrouping.

As happy as I am that I have lost 12 pounds there’s been something wrong and I can’t just let it go on anymore. The constant hunger coupled with nausea and inability to eat leading to days upon days of 600 calories leading to exhaustion had to stop. It wasn’t healthy.

So last night I did some research and discovered that the medication I’m on does not go well with a no/low-carb diet in many people. In fact, it forces them into a hypoglycemic state that causes nausea, exhaustion, and dizziness. Sound familiar?

So at 10 pm last night, when I finally felt like I could eat something again I had a couple pieces of gluten free toast and felt “normal” for the first time in a couple of weeks.

So I weighed myself this morning, one day early of my weekly weigh-in, so that I could conduct a reasonable experiment. Basically starving myself out of the utter repulsion of food yielded me a weight loss of 1.5 pounds in six days while feeling like complete hell and dragging myself through each day in misery. Let’s see what eating a few reasonable* carbs each day for six days while continuing the medication yields me in terms of both weight loss and state of being.

If at the end of the next six days I’ve still lost weight of any amount I am going to stick with this new plan.

If at the end of the next six days I’m at the same weight I’ll give it another week to see what happens.

If at the end of the next six days my weight goes up then I will have to stop altogether and regroup… again.

* So, obviously, I need to examine what “reasonable” means. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

Still avoiding:

  • Sweets or sugars like cookies, cakes, etc.
  • Giant meals of pasta or seriously heavy processed carbs.
  • Gluten whenever possible (it messes with my emotions and anxiety).

Adding back in:

  • Whole fruits
  • Small (as in side dish portion – roughly 1/2 cup) rice, potato, sweet potato – ie. whole food starchy vegetables & non gluten grains & beans
  • A couple of slices of GF bread if I want a sandwich or slice of toast with some eggs

My goal will be to shoot for under 100 grams of carbs a day. Way back in the day when I was losing weight after my weight loss surgery I was eating roughly 100-140 grams of carbs a day in the form of whole foods like rice, beans, potato, and fresh fruit. (I rummaged through 10 years of Fitday calendars to find that, but it’s true.) So I know that eating whole food plant based carbs is possible for me on a weight loss plan.

Which brings me to the obvious inevitable… portion control and getting my anxiety and depression under control with coping strategies that don’t involve food.

Bam!

There it is.

Well, at least there it might be… see what happens on that scale in a week.

Sigh. This will never end.

 

 

Last night I made garlicky green beans and my husband put some ribs on the grill. I was so excited for that dinner. Protein and vegetables, just enough fat to be tasty but still pretty lean, flavorful and satisfying. Then, as he brought them in from the grill and placed them on the counter for me to cut into servings the hunger I’d been fighting all day turned into a wave of nausea. I couldn’t shake it.

The punch line? My dinner last night? One rib. One. No green beans. One. Rib. One rib that I forced myself to eat.

The same thing happens over and over again to me nowadays. I’m get hungry, I go to eat, I get nauseated and can’t eat which means I’m hungry again in an hour. Or, if I force myself to eat, because I know I should, the nausea take hours and hours to go away. Sometimes it makes me feel so bad I need to lie down.

What’s the practical outcome here? I am basically hungry all of the time except when I’m nauseated. Lovely.

Food was always something that made me feel good (when I wasn’t binging and abusing it). But sitting down to a nice, on plan, meal was joyful. I could lose weight and still love what I was eating. Obviously you don’t love every meal every day. Breakfast is routine and uninspired most of the time. Lunch is usually just fuel to get through the busy afternoon. But both of them tasted good. Dinner was the place to relax and enjoy myself with something creative and flavorful and enjoyable.

But now, all meals are sort of a challenge that leave me feeling either totally disinterested or totally dissatisfied.

I’m still eating my oat bran at breakfast most days. But fairly often I’m skipping it and eating a low carb, no sugar, gluten free protein bar. Then when lunch rolls around I want to have something off plan but instead I eat another protein bar. Or, more often than not, I just skip lunch altogether and eat that second protein bar in the late afternoon munchie time. Dinner, half the time, is a bust like last night. Blech.

So am I losing weight? Yes. At least I have been up until now, we’ll see what Wednesday’s weigh in has to say on the subject in two days.

But is it sustainable? Hell no.

Or is it? I don’t want to eat so perhaps it is sustainable. Perhaps I’ll go a long time without wanting to eat.

Or, perhaps I’ll miss food so much, the social aspect of eating, the comfort of chewing, the pleasure of tasting something that’s both good and good for me, that I’ll go back to eating crap just to get some tiny part of that back.

I’m fairly confident that most of this experience is coming from the medicine my endocrinologist put me on. My husband has suggested that I stop taking it to see if that helps bring my appetite back. But, “why would I want that?”, I ask myself. If it’s working to help me lose weight don’t I want it to keep going?

For the first time, maybe ever, I’m not really sure. On balance, life’s happier with food.

The real problem is I can’t stay still. My husband pointed that out last night. I’m either losing or gaining at a fairly fast clip… I don’t have much insight on that right now… I suppose that needs to go in the idea incubator and I’ll come back to it in another post.

For today, I’m just trying to hold on.

So it’s been 4 weeks and 5 days and I’ve lost 10.5 pounds. I’m at 204 this morning and I’ve officially switched my weigh in day to Wednesday with today’s weighing.

My husband asked if I am feeling encouraged.

The answer is no. I’m barely eating and even though it’s because I don’t want to eat, don’t feel like eating, food in general seems yucky to me for some bizarre reason, I know this isn’t sustainable.

But for now, I suppose I’ll take it. I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth of suffer through the worry of what will happen down the line and whether or not I will regain.

For today I’m just glad the pants that are a size smaller than I’ve been wearing since January can be buttoned again. They aren’t perfect, but I can wear them without being in pain.

It’s a start.

So probably the main struggle that I’m having this time around on the diet is that I have both zero desire to eat anything and I’m constantly hungry. While those two things don’t seem to go with one another they do in so far as I have no appetite for the foods I should be/can be eating on this diet. The result is that I’m barely eating anything and so I’m hungry all the time.

This is not a good combination.

Last time I followed this plan it seemed so sustainable. I keep it up for almost 2 years and I never had cravings or temptations or deprivation. It felt fine to eat that way. But this time around I’m having trouble because all of the foods that were my staples last time seem totally unappealing. Eggs? Blech. Yogurt? Ugh. Deli stuff? Gah. Veggies and dip? No thanks.

I have my oat bran in the morning and then sit around wondering what they heck I’m supposed to eat for the rest of the day so I just don’t. Obviously this is unsustainable. Either I will freak out and start eating carbs or my body will wig out that I am not taking in enough calories and instead of losing weight it’s going to freeze and hold onto every ounce. Either way it’s a loose/loose situation for me.

I just keep plugging away because I have no idea what to do about it. My weight is unacceptable. For me. Not for anyone else. Just for me. I don’t like how it feels, I don’t like how it looks, I don’t like my clothes, I don’t like being out of breath. I just don’t like any part of it. So it has to come off.

But how? I thought I knew, but now I’m just not so sure. I keep coming face to face with this wall of no options.

One of my friends always says that there are three choices in any given situation. Leave it. Change it. Accept it.

Well, I can’t leave this because it’s my body so option ‘A’ is out.

Option ‘C’ doesn’t really work because every time I try to accept it I wind up gaining weight and being more miserable.

So that leaves me with option ‘B’, change it. I want to do this. But everyday it just seems harder than it used to be and less effective. Since I have no other choices at this point I can only think to myself that I need to just keep plugging away even though I don’t really want to.

Then again, they also say in program that the definition of insane is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. But that might not be relevant because I’m doing the same thing I did last time and expecting the same results. Maybe that’s the reason I feel so lost… so insane… because I’m doing the same thing expecting the same results but I’m getting different ones.

I don’t know… for today all I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.

We’ll see how long this can last.

So Friday has been my weigh in day this go around and on Friday I weighed 206.5 lbs. Yep, you read that right, that’s  a half pound heavier than on Monday morning.

I was literally confused and it took me a couple of moments to actually read the scale correctly.

I was shocked because Wednesday and Thursday were such high stress days I literally barely ate anything. So how I could not have lost weight, let alone gained weight, was beyond me. My husband pointed out that I do not lose weight when I’m stressed. Maybe that was it.

But then Saturday morning I weighed myself under the exact same conditions and I weighed in at 205 lbs.

So my question: What the hell is going on?

My answer is: Who the hell knows?

I’ve decided to just accept this without over thinking it. I don’t know why that happened but I’m going to consider it a net loss of 1 pound from Monday to Saturday and put it to rest.

Onward.

I prefer having my weigh in days on Wednesdays. It’s easier on my psychologically for it to be removed from the weekend as much as possible. So I’ll weigh in again on Wednesday the 22nd and set that as the new day.

There’s not much to do except keep going.

I have a lot to talk about actually. A lot of feelings both emotional and physical that I’m dealing with that don’t make a ton of sense to me. But tomorrow when my kids are back at school and I have a bit of time to myself I’ll get back into them.

For tonight… onward.

So here I am weighing in this morning at 206 lbs.

We got home from vacation last night and this morning I got on the scale.

Was I surprised to have lost weight on vacation? Yes and no.

Yes, I was surprised I’d lost weight while away because all the restaurant eating we’d been doing made me think that even with sticking to protein and vegetables I would have a hard time dropping any weight because of the amount of added salt and fat that goes into restaurant food.

But, I wasn’t so surprised because I walked upwards of 10,000 steps on half of the days we were away and on the days I didn’t I was still physically active.

Also, the last few days I kind of lost my appetite. I don’t know why, I just got tired of eating. I’d order something that I love and was on plan and after a few bites I just think, “eh, I don’t feel like it” and stop eating. I was hungry a lot during the past two days and although I wanted to eat there just wasn’t anything I wanted to eat.

So here I am again wondering if this is sustainable.

Is it?

Will I find myself hitting a rhythm and falling into step where I was last time…

Or will I find myself using up my willpower in a difficult struggle to stay on plan and crash and burn…

Or will I just find everything I can eat so distasteful that I give up in a unremarkable little “puff” of smoke…

Or will that disinterest just turn me off food in general…

I wish I knew.

All I really know is that I’m down 8.5 pounds and I’ms lightly more than halfway to my first goal: out of the two hundreds! 7 pounds left to 199 pounds.

I know one other thing… for today I’m still trying.

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