My son is sick. This is pretty much all I’ve been thinking about all week.
Coughing, fever, looking like a Halloween mask of white face with dark hollowed eyes. This means I don’t sleep.
Took him to the pediatrician on Saturday but could only get in to see someone who’s never seen him before and doesn’t know his medical history. She told me he was fine, just a virus, no worries, take him home.
Three days later when he still had a fever I took him back and he saw our regular doctor. Guess what? Positive for flu and positive for strep.
Again, no sleep for me.
The anxiety is awful.
But there’s a whole set of other posts here that I would have written assuming I’d had the time/emotional fortitude. And of course, that it was “on topic”.
That’s the briefest explanation I have of where I’ve been all week.
As for today… my weigh in. I lost 1.5 pounds and I feel pretty confident I can attribute it to the medication I started a week and a half ago that my endocrinologist gave me.
Other than terrifying me into thinking that I have thyroid cancer and then not scheduling a biopsy for ages and ages she did give me a medication to take that apparently helps the body’s insulin response.
She actually said to me, “I can tell just by looking at you that you have a problem with your insulin response without needing to run any tests. All obese people have a problem with their insulin.” Holy cow lady, can we say poor bedside manner?
Anyway, I started taking it after I did some thorough research of my own at home. It seems some people lose weight on it like the weight is melting off, some people don’t lose or gain anything, some people gain weight, and some people get weird side effects that make them stop taking it before they can find out if it will help with weight or not. Sounds pretty normal to me. But since the side effects weren’t anything more serious than pooping your brains out I figured I could live with the risk.
I’ve been taking it for a week and a half, with only two and a half days of it on the full dose she prescribed. The thing about it is that I’m just not hungry anymore. It’s not like a Dexatrim (remember that one?) amphetamine not hungry, it’s more like a just, I don’t know, just not hungry .
Apparently high levels of insulin make you hungry. So even when you aren’t stomach-growling-hungry you still feel like eating. With insulin levels at normal levels the idea of eating just doesn’t occur to you. At least, that’s what’s happening with me. I walk past something and have the thought to eat it only I realize I don’t want to. This isn’t like a willpower “don’t want to”. It’s more like a yuck, my stomach won’t like that right now, “don’t want to”.
So, I’ve been eating less without even intending to. I eat breakfast and then I’m not hungry again until 3 o’clock. I don’t really want to eat again until 3 o’clock. I never understood those people. Maybe it’s their insulin levels are normal. I don’t know.
So today I ate my oat bran with some sliced banana and honey for breakfast and that’s been it. I’m thinking about lunch but don’t really want it. I’m sure I’ll have a snack before taking my daughter to her after school activity and I’ll eat something at dinnertime, but honestly, I couldn’t care less right now.
I will say, I’m hoping that doesn’t turn into a thing with me… the not eating… because that turns out badly for me every time. But that could very well be my anxiety talking making something out of nothing.
Right now I’m just trying to enjoy not being obsessed with food.