Today is 1 month post-op. I’m leaving in about a half an hour to go to my 1 month follow-up. No doubt that will be a whole other post because today I’m seeing the nurse and she is not my favorite person.

I weigh myself on Mondays. My surgery was on a Monday so it seemed logical to have it be my weigh in day. This past Monday I was away for the holiday weekend and used the scale there instead of at home. It said I weighed 219.5 and I rounded up to 220 because, well, it wasn’t my scale. I got home late on Tuesday so Wednesday morning, yesterday, I weighed myself to compare the two scales and I was 219. Seemed ok.

I had decided to also weigh myself on the 1st of each month (the “anniversary” of my surgery) to get a separate set of data to look at. So, this morning I weigh myself and get a scale reading of 221. I’ve gained two pounds since yesterday, despite following all the rules, sticking to under 600 calories a day, getting my liquids, vitamins, and protein as instructed.

The worst part is that for some insane reason last time I was at the surgeon’s for my 1 week post op the runner took off an extra 3 pounds from the scale reading “for my clothes”, which most certainly did not weigh 3 pounds. So, if I try to correct that today that will “show” that I’ve lost 2 pounds in 3 weeks, and goodness help me, I have no idea what sort of crap the unempathetic, fast talking, snotty nurse will give me for it. Ugh.

I’m also 100% hungry all of the time. All. Of. The. Time. My husband has been on a crusade to try to figure out why in the world I would be so hungry all the time after this surgery. His extensive research has lead him to suspect that I am experiencing something called “gnawing acid”. From what I can gather this is basically a type of “heartburn” that doesn’t burn, it makes your stomach feel hollow and empty and hungry all the time.

The treatment is to double up on medications to treat it from multiple angles at once. I take the Prilosec my doctor ordered every day. Now, I’ve added Zantac (which is a different med that works in a different way on the same problem) and I’m taking the maximum strength of Tums as well each day. I’m still hungry.

My doctor said it was “head hunger” which, I know head hunger and it’s not. My stomach is actually growling loudly enough that others can hear it.

My husband thinks it’s GERD so I’m taking the medicine. But again, my stomach is actually growling loudly enough that others can hear it.

Possibly stalled weight loss after only a month.

Constant hunger.

Constant exhaustion from the low calorie intake.

I had started to feel optimistic after I got back on solid foods. I wanted to feel optimistic. But I’m not feeling so optimistic today. I fear I’m broken. Just broken and this will never work. I fear I’ve made a mistake and I don’t know how to fix it.

Unfortunately, no one wants to hear that. Everyone in my life is being so positive and supportive that I don’t know how to say, “So I think this was a huge mistake and I may have doomed myself to a miserable situation of constant hunger and little to no weight loss.” My doctor certainly doesn’t want to hear it. I think he’s gotten jaded in the last 12 years since I first met him because despite his empathy he doesn’t seem to really believe in individual outliers anymore. Despite our good rapport I doubt I’m going to convince him that my failure is due to anything other than me not actually following the rules.

But I suppose that’s why I have this blog. It’s the one place I can be totally honest and not have to worry about what other people think. These are my OA “shares” in written form. Which, I suppose is something.