Today was a good day. Even though I spent about 10 hours working on the wedding cake doing fillings and frostings.

The truth is that I think those days of panic and anxiety from the cake sort of flushed it out of me and I don’t really care about it anymore.

It is enormous. I mean, it’s 4 cakes, each of which is about 8 inches high! They are so heavy I’m frankly more worried about the lower tiers collapsing once it assembled than I am worried about wanting to eat it!

Oddly enough, I’m feeling really proud of myself. Not in some sanctimonious self-aggrandizing way where I’m so fantastically superior for being able to survive this close encounter with my trigger.

No, I’m proud of myself for not trying to muscle my way through it on willpower alone. I would have failed if I’d tried to do that.

No, I’m proud of myself for continuing with my plan and not tinkering and messing with things to manipulate the situation. That would have lead to failure also.

No, each day I just ate what was on plan for me, as I had planned, and didn’t try to satisfy some emotional need with food.

I wrote about what I was feeling instead of denying it or allowing it to stay in my head where it could fester and undermine me.

On another level I’m also proud of myself because I’m realizing how truly difficult this task itself is for a home cook/baker. I’ve never made anything on this scale before. I’ve cooked for crowds before. I’ve even prepared a 4 course sit down dinner for 18 people. It was a lot of work, and it took a couple of days to put together, but cooking is essentially creative and I love being able to tinker with recipes and alter them to conform to my food plan.

But baking is different. It’s an exact science and there are so many many things that could go wrong. The cake is not perfect, but so far it’s pretty awesome and it’s nice that after suffering through this I’m at least feeling good about what I’ve accomplished. Of course, I still have to see if I can transport it 300 miles without disaster, if the tiers stand up, if I succeed in decorating it sufficiently, and if people actually like eating it. But I’m feeling good about what I’ve accomplished so far.

Best of all, I’m back to feeling good about me.

I’ve learned something: that cake doesn’t own me.

It’s in my garage because I chose to put it there. It’s not haunting me. I’ve banished it.

I’ve banished it because I don’t need it.

It’s pretty liberating to realize that.

I guess this kryponite needs a buy-in from me to work and, for today at least, I’ve not buying.

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