158 Again

So, I weighed in this morning and I was 158 lbs. This is the new normal. I’ve been bouncing around this number for about 2 months now and it’s exactly where I was 6 years ago before I got pregnant.

I’m happy here.

Here works for me.

But, here still feels like I gave up too early.

I had been as low as 152.5 lbs which was the same lowest point I’d gotten to 8 years ago when I lost 94 pounds through weight loss surgery.

Then, and now, I when I settled into maintenance it took about 6 months to fully stabilize and I bounced up a tick into the comfort zone of 158.5 lbs.

I will admit that 8 years ago my goal had been 149 lbs. This would have given me the ever coveted “normal BMI”.

I will also admit that my goal last summer was 146 lbs. This would make my loss from my highest weight 100 pounds even.

So, I’m satisfied. Mostly. There’s still that nagging. I’ve done this much, why not finish it off?

Sunday night, as we were having our salad with grilled chicken for dinner, my husband told me that he’s put on 4 pounds this winter and after his successful efforts to lose 25 pounds last year he wants to nip any gaining in the bud. He expressed a desire to go back on the attack phase of the diet and go pure protein for a week.

So I decided that given the number of times he’s supported me, by following whatever diet I wanted to and never uttering a word of complaint, I will do the week of pure protein too. Why not?

I’ve decided that no matter what happens with the scale when the week is over, next Wednesday morning, I’m going to go back on the “cruise” phase for a while. It felt really comfortable. One day pure protein, next day protein and vegetables. The rhythm of it worked for me. Actually, that wasn’t exactly the rhythm of it. My week went like this:

Wednesday (weigh-in day): Protein & Vegetables
Thursday: Pure Protein
Friday: Protein & Vegetables
Saturday: Protein & Vegetables
Sunday: Protein & Vegetables
Monday: Pure Protein
Tuesday: Pure Protein

Three days a week of pure protein and four of protein and vegetables. It worked. I’m going to give it a go for a few weeks and see how I feel. If I feel tired of it and deprived I’ll switch back to my consolidation plan. If it feels safe and healthy I’ll stick with it and see where it takes me.

I always feel so much more able to face these challenges, and the unknown, this time of year.

Super Lame Post

I am super tired right now. It was a hectic week followed by a hectic weekend.

Unfortunately, I’m not optimistic that a reduction in the hectic-ness is in my immediate future. In fact, I suspect it’s just going to get worse.

So, here are the bullet points:

Feeling good.

But totally dehydrated after a day at about 1/2 my normal water intake.

Contemplating attack again for a week because my husband wants to do it and that couldn’t possibly make it easier for me so why not take advantage? (I do know that wasn’t really a sentence.)

Went to another kids’ science museum today with my husband and kids and participated in an exhibition that had a 250lb weight limit. It felt SO GOOD to be able to go on it knowing I weigh less than 250lbs. I realize it’s been almost 8 years since I weighed that much (246 to be exact), but the joy of realizing that doesn’t apply to me anymore never gets old. Never.

Time for a shower and bed.

My Mother And Food

Sunday night my mother slept over at my house while my husband was out of town. After the kids went to bed she and I folded laundry and had a conversation about the concerns we each have about the ramifications of our moving plans. (My husband and me moving to a larger house that would have rooms for her and my father to stay in when they visit rather than them maintaining a house here anymore.)

I talked about my concerns about carrying the costs of a larger house and the strain it will have on our budget.

I talked about my concerns that she feel at home in my house and yet needing to maintain it as my house, not hers.

I talked about my concerns about everyone feeling as though they are being treated fairly.

I talked about my concerns that we not sell our house before we know where we are going since I have two small kids and we need something really specific that there aren’t a lot of out there on the market.

Some of the concerns she brought up I agreed with, some I thought were a bit unnecessary, but one brought me up short in light of my own issues. She said she was worried about the fact that “we eat differently” and that she’s afraid I “won’t let her have her food”. I asked her to clarify and realized that she was talking primarily about my son’s food allergy but she also said, “will you let me have chocolate covered almonds in the house”?

I immediately responded that of course she could have chocolate covered almonds in the house and I even made a joke about dedicating an entire shelf in the pantry to her cereal and crackers. I also reassured her that I have a ton of stuff in the house that I don’t eat; whole cabinets dedicated to snacks both my kids eat, other cabinets dedicated to snacks my daughter can have but my son can’t, other sets of things my husband and daughter eat but my son and I don’t. It’s kind of a hodgepodge of stuff here.

But in the days since our conversation I have been thinking a lot about this interaction and realized two important things that have both helped my sense of self and my feelings of success in my war with my eating disorder, and shed some major light on the three pointed relationship of my mother, food, and me.

The first is that I really do have a house full of food that I can’t eat and that I don’t even really think about it ever. I even handle it on a daily basis while filling my kids’ lunchboxes and serving them dinner and dessert. It passes through my hands and I never for a second think of it stopping in my hands or heading towards my mouth. The jar of Easter candy is still, as ever, untouched by me. I don’t think of it as “my food” and I can tune it out as easily as choosing which picture to look at on a crowded museum wall.

That feels good.

The second is realizing the extent to which I am now the one in the driver’s seat when it comes to food and my mother. I no longer worry about what I eat in front of her because I no longer worry about what I eat. I don’t doubt myself in my food choices anymore and so when she is there with me I don’t care what she sees me eat. I know I’m making the choice that are best for me. I’ve essentially elbowed her out of my relationship with food.

Thank Goodness!!

It feels great.

It also feels a bit weird to think that on some level she is looking to me to allow her to eat what she wants.

Seriously, I have to type that again because it feels so weird.

She is looking to me to allow her to eat what she wants.

Good lord, that is liberating!

I think the most wonderful part of it is that because I have finally come to terms with my food plan and my body I can accept her food choices as being separate from mine and not some sort of weird and convoluted judgement on mine. Which means I can simply be gracious and tell her, “you can eat whatever you want in my house”, and I can mean it.

I used to have to struggle to feel like an adult. I don’t any more. The years have granted me the victory of knowing in my bones who I am. Being able to apply this to my struggles with food and with the role my mother played in the development of my relationship with food makes me feel free.

It’s not been easy getting this monkey from my back. But it’s a relief every time I see a new way that I’ve been liberated by it being gone.

Holy Cow, I Made Bread!

So, as you know I am ever on a quest for using the oat bran (a daily requirement on The Dukan Diet) in interesting ways. I’ve made batches upon batches of different kinds of muffins that are delicious and satisfying and feel decadent   But now, I topped myself and I’ve got to write it down or I might forget!

I decided that since the vanilla muffins have really turned out nicely maybe I could find a way to take that basic recipe and make it savory instead of sweet. I doctored the recipe a bit, put it in a loaf pan, and then sprinkled the top with some flax seeds for prettiness. Forty five minutes later out of my oven came a loaf of bread.

Now, Wonder Bread this is not. It’s more the color and texture of something that you’d think could sustain a hobbit on a long walking journey. But it sliced beautifully and had such a lovely, rich, and hearty flavor my husband kept asking for another slice. I made a mushroom and feta cheese spread that it went with beautifully and for lunch I had two thin slices with two eggs over easy. Runny yolks again! Yippee!

I told my husband that I’m probably going to eat too much of it in the first couple of days just because of the novelty but then the true test will come: will the fact that it looks like, seems like, and tastes like bread mess with my head? I hope not, but I’m staying open to the possibility for the sake of honesty and my recovery which I don’t want to jeopardize for this.

However, I will say that we seem to be off to a good start because after eating two slices with my eggs I left the loaf out on the counter for a couple of hours. When I came back later to clean up I put it away in an air tight container and didn’t sneak any bites. That’s a good sign. But, we shall see.

Ingredients:

• 1 cup + 2 tbsp finely ground oat bran (I use Bob’s Red Mill Gluten Free Oat Bran)
• 1 cup ground flax seed
• 1 cup non-fat dry milk powder
• 1 tbsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp guar gum
• 1 tsp kosher salt
• 1 tsp onion powder
• 2 tsp Herbs de Provence
• 1 cup skim milk
• 1/2 cup liquid egg whites
• 1 container plain non-fat Greek yogurt (6 oz)
• Handful of whole flax seeds for topping the bread.

Instructions:

• Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
• Whisk together the dry ingredients in a large bowl.
• Whisk together the wet ingredients in a measuring cup.
• Stir together until totally combined.
• Spray a loaf pan with cooking spray and pour in the batter. Sprinkle the whole flax seeds on top.
• Bake for approximately 45 minutes or until a knife inserted in the center comes out clean and top is golden brown.
• Allow it to cool in the pan for 10 minutes and then turn it out onto a cooling rack.
• Slice with a bread knife and store in an air tight container in the fridge for up to 2 weeks.

Amazing stats:
1 loaf = 20 slices
1 slice = 1 serving
1 serving:

• 71 calories
• 5 grams of carbs
• 3.4 grams of fiber
• 5.2 grams protein

Owning My Body and My Food Plan

It was innocuous enough at time time, but in retrospect I realize I may have had something of a break through the other day on that field trip.

I was diving to the site with five other mothers and was sitting next to the one I have gotten to know the best. We text nearly every day as our daughters have become the best of friends and we’re constantly coordinating activities and visits.

Since we had all packed our own lunches, and it was a group of women, it was inevitable that we would start talking about food and dieting and weight.

I’ve spent most of my life ashamed of my weight. I’ve spent the past eight years trying to pretend that I had never been fat enough to need weight loss surgery and hidden from most everyone the fact that I had it. I also hide the fact that I have an eating disorder and when people offer me my trigger foods I dodge and hedge and know that I wind up looking awkward and weird and no one understands why I won’t just take a piece of birthday cake already! I’m self-conscious about my food plan and try to pretend that I’m a “normal eater”. I’ve never been able to stand having to explain my food choices to well meaning people who just end up confused.

But I’ve been thinking lately about the fact that when I was at my thinnest as an adult, the two years between having my surgery and getting pregnant with my son, I was still stressing about my weight. Then, I spent the past five years since my son was born struggling to get the weight back off. On any day of the past five years I probably would have traded my little toes just to weigh what I weighed then.

Now I do. And I’m still stressing about my weight planning to make another push to lose another 10-12 pounds!

It struck me that I’m never allowing myself to enjoy my success.

It’s important to clarify that by “enjoying my success” I don’t mean “eat what I want and pretend it can’t hurt me anymore” which is what it would have meant for most of my life.

By “enjoying my success” I mean being proud of myself for my accomplishment and being proud of my imperfect body.

Back to the drive to the field trip on Thursday… I don’t recall how the conversation began, but at some point my companion was complaining about her weight and how she knows she should cut out the carbs but just won’t do it because she loves them too much. Keep in mind this is a woman who appears to be a tad overweight, but you’d never consider fat. She wasn’t espousing a desire to be thin so much as back to the weight she had been before having children. A common theme.

I joked that it had taken me five years to get the “baby weight” off and that it was only by making some radical changes, and making them permanent, that I was able to succeed. She acknowledged this, but I could see she wasn’t really sold because I only met her in October and she’s never seen me heavier than I am right now in my size 6 clothes. So, I chuckled and said, “I could show you pictures”. She was seems genuinely interested so I pulled out my phone, where I keep two photos of me at my absolute heaviest, and showed them to her.

The shock on her face, in her voice, and permeating her reaction was so intense it was actually funny.

And suddenly, I was really freaking proud of myself. In that instant I saw all of this through her eyes and really felt for the first time how freaking amazing what I’ve done is and what a super accomplishment it is. It felt really good. She laughed a bit and said, in a knowing way, “you keep them on your phone,” and I said, “yep, that way whenever I feel tempted to eat a bagel or pasta or something that I know will harm me I just have to look at it and remember that it’s not harmless for me, it’s too easy to get back to that and I don’t ever want to get back to that again”.

The amazing part was…

I.

Meant.

It.

Suddenly, I was liberated from all the shame, guilt, embarrassment, and doubt of hiding where I’ve come from and why I eat the way I do. Holy cow, it felt good.

So now, my perspective has shifted and my answer, when unknowing people politely push me to take some sort of food that I can’t eat, is going to be simply, “you know, I don’t eat [fill in the blank]” and if they press I’ll say, “thank you, but after losing 90 pounds it’s just not worth it”.

The best part will be saying it with pride.

Planning

So here I am post-field trip. Overall, I think it went pretty well. I stayed on plan and ate the food I’d packed and, yes, I had in fact over packed, but it was fine.

I’m realizing that the real key to long term success, at least for me, is simply planning and staying aware. I find that I tick off in my head the number of ounces of water I’ve had in a day without giving it too much extra thought, and I’m always in the right range. Sure it might be easier to just pack a sandwich and a bag of chips but the 10 extra minutes it took to make my deli rolls and pack up the veggies was the difference between long term success and the hamster wheel of frustration.

It is always amazing to me, when I am in the head space of recovery, how easy it is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keeping my good habits going.

Of course, in the head space of relapse getting out of the habits of eating poorly and allowing poor choices to snowball is so painfully hard.

But for today I’m trying to absorb that my success yesterday at the field trip was almost entirely due to the time I’d spent the night before preparing and packing my lunch. It’s the willingness to do that preparation that makes success possible.

Awareness of where I am, what I’m doing, how I’m feeling, why I’m doing and feeling what I am, and therefore why I am eating what I’m eating is also key.

The more recovery I get the more I simply know who I am and I like her. Taking care of myself doesn’t seem like a chore or a burden. I like preparing my lunch just as I get joy packing lunch for my husband each day. I know that when lunch time comes each day at work he won’t forget to eat, or not have time to go get food, or grab something that will be unhealthy. There is a lot of love packed in that lunch bag each day.

Now, there’s love in my lunch bag too.

And it tastes better than anything else.

Field Trip

One thing I know from Overeaters Anonymous and from my years battling my eating disorder and my weight is that failing to plan means planning to fail.

Tomorrow I am going on a field trip with my daughter’s second grade class. There are approximately 175 second graders. This is not my idea of fun.

However, it’s to a really cool children’s science museum and I’m tentatively only responsible for my child and one other. Which is better than what I feared which was me with a group of fifteen 8 year olds. That would have gotten ugly.

The chaperones have been told by the school that we will have to bring our own lunches, carry the lunches for the children in our care, and have everything be disposable.

Well, it’s kind of hard to have everything be disposable when you need to keep things cold which you need to do when you’re lunch is yogurt and cold cuts.

I’ve just decided to pull out of storage my old backpack and pack up our lunches and water bottles and just live with the fact that my shoulders will be sore tomorrow night.

I’ve packed deli ham and reduced fat ‘Laughing Cow’ cheese roll-ups, 1/2 of a salami and reduced fat provolone roll-up, some dip with carrots and cauliflower, and a sliced apple. I have my oat bran muffin ready to go with my tea in the morning on the car ride to the museum (luckily I’m not driving, one of the other moms is). I’ve got a low-carb protein bar packed away just in case I get the munchies in the late afternoon and I’m going to schlep my water bottle just to make sure I don’t get thirsty (because I often confuse that with hunger).

I am not planning to fail. I am planned out the wazoo.

Now, I just need to be prepared for all of that planning to be for naught when things don’t go as expected. Of course, they might go as expected. But it’s life and who the heck knows how things will turn out.

All I can do is prepare, hope for the best, and go with the flow. Which is pretty much all we can ever do. It’s not always easy for me to do.

But this food plan helps me get there.

 

Writing and Snacking

Some days I don’t write because I’m too busy and I don’t get a chance to sit down at my computer all day.

Some days I don’t write because I’m too tired.

Some days I don’t write because I don’t know what to write about.

Today I know what I should write about but it’s still hard.

I don’t like to complain, but sometimes being a parent really gets me down. Of course I love my children. I think that the immeasurable quantity that I love them makes it harder. If I didn’t care so much it would be so much easier to let stuff go sometimes.

Things have been tough with my daughter lately. It seems as though things are always tough with one of the kids. I suppose the silver lining there is that at least they take turns! But there are recurring themes with my daughter that we go through each school year and some days it all just gets so discouraging.

Towards the end of last week I was really struggling with picking up the food. It was all on plan food, but I found myself on Friday and yesterday eating food when I wasn’t hungry.

Ok, let’s be honest, I just did that right now while typing this. I got up and got two cheese sticks out of the fridge and ate them even though I’m not hungry.

The silver lining here is that at least I’m picking up two low-fat cheese sticks that are 100% on plan for me, instead of something that’s not on plan.

But, one thing I learned in Overeaters Anonymous was that it doesn’t matter if it’s candy or a carrot, if I’m picking it up compulsively then it’s a problem.

I remember writing that in the inside cover of my OA daily reader, For Today.

For the most part I’ve been doing alright in the third phase of The Dukan Diet, consolidation. Yes, I’ve put on about six pounds from the lowest point I reached, but I haven’t been terribly worried about it. Mostly because it’s been winter and I always put on a few pounds in winter even during maintenance phases. Also, whenever I’ve lost weight I’ve always bounced back up a few pounds from the lowest before stabilizing. Lastly, because it’s been relatively steady so there hasn’t been any reason to panic.

At the same time, I can feel in my body that I’d be happier 5-10 pounds lighter than I am right now. Willpower is not an issue. This way of eating has become such a normal thing for me that it’s fine.

I think the next part of my journey is going to be about curbing the snacking and not eating when I’m not hungry.

But, I confess I don’t feel ready.

I keep thinking about my old For Today book. I think it’s time to find it again and maybe just get back in the habit of reading it each day. I don’t know whether or not it will do any good, but for today, it feels like a decent idea worth trying.

Muffins

I’ve posted about three or four muffin recipes here and I love all of them. I could post more. I’ve started making blueberry muffins, dark chocolate peppermint, and peanut butter muffins with strawberries in them that I’ve dubbed ‘peanut butter and jelly muffins’. They are all good but there’s no point in me posting any more recipes because there is one basic recipe they are all based on.

So I’m posting that basic recipe here and you can make as many variations as you want. I’ll give the breakdown of oat bran quantities at the end.

Basic Recipe Dry Ingredients:

• 1 cup + 2 tablespoons of oat bran (finely ground)
• 1/2 cup ground flax seed meal
• 1 cup Splenda
• 1 tbsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp guar gum
• 1 pinch kosher salt

Dry Add -In for muffins (pick one):

• Chocolate muffins: 1 cup cocoa powder
• Dark chocolate muffins: 1 cup dark cocoa powder
• Peanut butter muffins: 1 cup powdered peanut butter
• Chocolate peanut butter muffins: 1 cup chocolate powdered peanut butter
• Vanilla (aka ‘plain’) muffins: 1 cup non-fat powdered milk

Basic Recipe Wet Ingredients:

All muffins except Vanilla Muffins:

• 12 oz non-fat skim milk
• 1/2 cup liquid egg whites
• 2 tsps extract or 1 packet instant decaf coffee

Vanilla Muffins:

• 8 oz non-fat skim milk
• 1/2 cup liquid egg whites
• 1 container non-fat plain Greek yogurt (6 oz)
• 2 tsp vanilla extract

Additional Add-in Options:

• 1 cup unsweetened carob chips
• 1 cup frozen blueberries
• 1 cup fresh strawberries, diced

Mix everything together and bake in 350 degree oven for 10-20 minutes depending on the size of the muffins you make.

This recipe contains 18 tablespoons of oat bran. Six large muffins means each has 3 tbsp. 12 muffins means each has 1.5 tbsp.

Just Us Girls

Monday and Tuesday I was ravenous. All. Day. Long.

Yesterday morning I weighed myself and was up 1/2 pound.

Yesterday I tried to go shopping for summer clothes that fit and was unable to find anything I liked and came home empty handed and discouraged.

Last night I lost my temper with my daughter because she was being a whiny complainer.

This morning I got my period.

Good lord, you’d think I’d be able to put the pieces of the puzzle together by now, right?

But, no, it’s still a mystery and no matter how I chart my cycle it always seems to come early. Except when it doesn’t. And then I panic that my tubal ligation stopped working after four years and I’m magically pregnant. Which is it’s own brand of delusional catastrophic thinking that even if I didn’t invent I sure as heck have perfected!

So right now I’m having a glass of water and just breathing and allowing myself to slow down and relax. Yes, I have a busy day running all over hill and dale. Yes, I won’t get home until late and I’ll be exhausted. Yes, I have my period and I hate how it makes me feel.

But, this too shall pass.

I’m packing my lunch and dinner and taking them with me. I’m packing some snacks and an extra thermos of water. No doubt I’m over packing but that is better than under packing in my opinion because it will keep me well insulated from temptation.

I will not give into any cravings that might arise for either junk or convenience foods today. At dinner time I will sit in Panera with my daughter as she eats her carb laden dinner (God bless her little body for being able to handle it) and I’ll eat my yogurt and ham & asparagus wraps and be just fine. I will.

I am prepared to take care of myself and that is what I shall do.

And, again, this too shall pass.

Thank goodness.