Archives for posts with tag: Weight

Well, somehow I’ve reached my first goal which was (as I remember it) to get under 200 lbs.

As of this morning I am officially in “One-derland”! I weighed in at 199.5 pounds. Just under the wire, but I’ll take it!

Honestly, since I’ve gone back to eating carbs the weight has been coming off more slowly. Especially since I had my period last week. I was hovering at 201.5 lbs for a couple of weeks and didn’t have much to say other than, “I have to eat carbs because if I don’t I get so dizzy and nauseated I get nervous to drive and have to lie down every day.” Not fun.

But I think I’ve discovered that if I just don’t eat crappy junk food, processed food, cookies, sweets, etc. while I’m taking this medicine and eating normally I can do fine.

I’ve been thinking what to call this type of eating… and although this might be too filled with judgement for many people who struggle with food, for now I’m calling it “eating like a grown up”. Let’s face it, my kids eat a ton of stuff that I would love to eat, but just shouldn’t. They are still growing and I’m not. Their bodies and metabolisms can handle daily ice cream and cookies. Mine can’t.

My parents, my in-laws, most of my friends, all of whom are at a normal weight, don’t eat that crap except on special occasions. So, that’s what I’m trying to do. It’s what I’ve been doing these past couple of weeks and I’ve lost 3 pounds since starting so that’s ok by me.

I lost 10 pounds the first month on this medicine and seriously dieting. But I felt like crap all of the time and it was not sustainable.

I lost 5 pounds the second month on this medicine and just eating like “a grown-up”. I feel basically healthy and fine and much less tortured by food.

We’ll see how month three goes.

One caveat to the eating plan… I’m generally not eating wheat. I’ve realized that it really does give me a headache. I say things like this all the time after I stop eating wheat. I must sound like a moron now for “realizing” the same things over and over again. But it’s true. Wheat makes my head hurt. But, I’m not interested in feeling massive amounts of deprivation or frustration right now. (We’ve got enough going on with my son.) So, if I’m at home, I stick with gluten free. If I’m in a restaurant I try to avoid it, but if I have a little of it out I’m not going to panic about it or feel guilty.

For today, that’s the plan



After four days of being on this new plan of eating I decided that I needed to know what was going on. So, I weighed myself on Saturday morning, two days earlier than I had planned.

I stepped on the scale and thought to myself, well, this is it.

I lost 1 pound in those 4 days.

So, now, I’m committed to this new plan.

For now.

For as long as it works.

But this new medication has made me say something I never thought I would: I need the carbs.

Not junk food carbs… just some occasional slices of gluten free bread for a sandwich or an apple in the afternoon. Itkeeps my blod sugar up which keeps me from feeling dizzy, nauseated, and exhausted. I consider this a win.

So, I’ll wait until Wednesday for my next weigh in and be hopeful that the loss continues.

201.5 and counting.

Well, not entirely “done”, just regrouping.

As happy as I am that I have lost 12 pounds there’s been something wrong and I can’t just let it go on anymore. The constant hunger coupled with nausea and inability to eat leading to days upon days of 600 calories leading to exhaustion had to stop. It wasn’t healthy.

So last night I did some research and discovered that the medication I’m on does not go well with a no/low-carb diet in many people. In fact, it forces them into a hypoglycemic state that causes nausea, exhaustion, and dizziness. Sound familiar?

So at 10 pm last night, when I finally felt like I could eat something again I had a couple pieces of gluten free toast and felt “normal” for the first time in a couple of weeks.

So I weighed myself this morning, one day early of my weekly weigh-in, so that I could conduct a reasonable experiment. Basically starving myself out of the utter repulsion of food yielded me a weight loss of 1.5 pounds in six days while feeling like complete hell and dragging myself through each day in misery. Let’s see what eating a few reasonable* carbs each day for six days while continuing the medication yields me in terms of both weight loss and state of being.

If at the end of the next six days I’ve still lost weight of any amount I am going to stick with this new plan.

If at the end of the next six days I’m at the same weight I’ll give it another week to see what happens.

If at the end of the next six days my weight goes up then I will have to stop altogether and regroup… again.

* So, obviously, I need to examine what “reasonable” means. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

Still avoiding:

  • Sweets or sugars like cookies, cakes, etc.
  • Giant meals of pasta or seriously heavy processed carbs.
  • Gluten whenever possible (it messes with my emotions and anxiety).

Adding back in:

  • Whole fruits
  • Small (as in side dish portion – roughly 1/2 cup) rice, potato, sweet potato – ie. whole food starchy vegetables & non gluten grains & beans
  • A couple of slices of GF bread if I want a sandwich or slice of toast with some eggs

My goal will be to shoot for under 100 grams of carbs a day. Way back in the day when I was losing weight after my weight loss surgery I was eating roughly 100-140 grams of carbs a day in the form of whole foods like rice, beans, potato, and fresh fruit. (I rummaged through 10 years of Fitday calendars to find that, but it’s true.) So I know that eating whole food plant based carbs is possible for me on a weight loss plan.

Which brings me to the obvious inevitable… portion control and getting my anxiety and depression under control with coping strategies that don’t involve food.


There it is.

Well, at least there it might be… see what happens on that scale in a week.

Sigh. This will never end.



So it’s been 4 weeks and 5 days and I’ve lost 10.5 pounds. I’m at 204 this morning and I’ve officially switched my weigh in day to Wednesday with today’s weighing.

My husband asked if I am feeling encouraged.

The answer is no. I’m barely eating and even though it’s because I don’t want to eat, don’t feel like eating, food in general seems yucky to me for some bizarre reason, I know this isn’t sustainable.

But for now, I suppose I’ll take it. I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth of suffer through the worry of what will happen down the line and whether or not I will regain.

For today I’m just glad the pants that are a size smaller than I’ve been wearing since January can be buttoned again. They aren’t perfect, but I can wear them without being in pain.

It’s a start.

So here I am weighing in this morning at 206 lbs.

We got home from vacation last night and this morning I got on the scale.

Was I surprised to have lost weight on vacation? Yes and no.

Yes, I was surprised I’d lost weight while away because all the restaurant eating we’d been doing made me think that even with sticking to protein and vegetables I would have a hard time dropping any weight because of the amount of added salt and fat that goes into restaurant food.

But, I wasn’t so surprised because I walked upwards of 10,000 steps on half of the days we were away and on the days I didn’t I was still physically active.

Also, the last few days I kind of lost my appetite. I don’t know why, I just got tired of eating. I’d order something that I love and was on plan and after a few bites I just think, “eh, I don’t feel like it” and stop eating. I was hungry a lot during the past two days and although I wanted to eat there just wasn’t anything I wanted to eat.

So here I am again wondering if this is sustainable.

Is it?

Will I find myself hitting a rhythm and falling into step where I was last time…

Or will I find myself using up my willpower in a difficult struggle to stay on plan and crash and burn…

Or will I just find everything I can eat so distasteful that I give up in a unremarkable little “puff” of smoke…

Or will that disinterest just turn me off food in general…

I wish I knew.

All I really know is that I’m down 8.5 pounds and I’ms lightly more than halfway to my first goal: out of the two hundreds! 7 pounds left to 199 pounds.

I know one other thing… for today I’m still trying.

So my comments in last night’s post about how much I have to lose to get back to where I started last time threw me for a loop when I stopped to really think about them.

I needed to go back and look at the numbers to make myself sure I knew what I was talking about for real instead of constantly estimating in my head.

Starting weight 2012: 189 lbs
Starting weight 2015: 214.5 labs
Difference: 25.5 lbs

Ok, so I was wrong last night in my calculations. It’s 25.5 pounds higher than I started last time not 35.5 pounds.

That’s something good.

Lowest weight 2012: 153.5 lbs (after being sick with the flu for a week)
Satablized weight 2013-2014: 158.5 – 165.5 lbs (date range 4/2013 – 1/2014)
Average stabilized weight 2013-2014: 162 lbs

So I should really be using the 189 – 162 = 27 pounds number as the “total” weight lost then since it was what I was able to maintain (relatively easily) last time for close to a year.

Given that I’ve gained 214.5 – 162 = 52.5 lbs since January 2014.


I keep saying that I’ve gained 40 pounds. Not so. I gained 52.5 pounds in a year.

Holy cow.

So if this time I lose the 27 pounds I was able to lose and keep off last time that would take me to 187.5 pounds.

Once again putting me right back where I started three years ago.

From this I draw three conclusions:

1. This will take, at best, twice as long to lose twice as much weight. But since I’m losing at a slower rate this time around it will probably take three times as long to lose the weight. That’s 12 months instead of 4 months.

2. It is highly unlikely that I will ever be able to get back to my previous weight range of 158 – 165 pounds.

3. This was not a productive exercise because it has just clarified and concretized for me what a serious uphill battle I have to fight and now I’m feeling even more discouraged.

What is my final “take away” from this? I’d better get used to being happy at 190 pounds because that’s where I’m most likely to land. Cheerful, right? Crap.


My son is sick. This is pretty much all I’ve been thinking about all week.

Coughing, fever, looking like a Halloween mask of white face with dark hollowed eyes. This means I don’t sleep.

Took him to the pediatrician on Saturday but could only get in to see someone who’s never seen him before and doesn’t know his medical history. She told me he was fine, just a virus, no worries, take him home.

Three days later when he still had a fever I took him back and he saw our regular doctor. Guess what? Positive for flu and positive for strep.

Again, no sleep for me.

The anxiety is awful.

But there’s a whole set of other posts here that I would have written assuming I’d had the time/emotional fortitude. And of course, that it was “on topic”.

That’s the briefest explanation I have of where I’ve been all week.

As for today… my weigh in. I lost 1.5 pounds and I feel pretty confident I can attribute it to the medication I started a week and a half ago that my endocrinologist gave me.

Other than terrifying me into thinking that I have thyroid cancer and then not scheduling a biopsy for ages and ages she did give me a medication to take that apparently helps the body’s insulin response.

She actually said to me, “I can tell just by looking at you that you have a problem with your insulin response without needing to run any tests. All obese people have a problem with their insulin.” Holy cow lady, can we say poor bedside manner?

Anyway, I started taking it after I did some thorough research of my own at home. It seems some people lose weight on it like the weight is melting off, some people don’t lose or gain anything, some people gain weight, and some people get weird side effects that make them stop taking it before they can find out if it will help with weight or not. Sounds pretty normal to me. But since the side effects weren’t anything more serious than pooping your brains out I figured I could live with the risk.

I’ve been taking it for a week and a half, with only two and a half days of it on the full dose she prescribed. The thing about it is that I’m just not hungry anymore. It’s not like a Dexatrim (remember that one?) amphetamine not hungry, it’s more like a just, I don’t know, just not hungry .

Apparently high levels of insulin make you hungry. So even when you aren’t stomach-growling-hungry you still feel like eating. With insulin levels at normal levels the idea of eating just doesn’t occur to you. At least, that’s what’s happening with me. I walk past something and have the thought to eat it only I realize I don’t want to. This isn’t like a willpower “don’t want to”. It’s more like a yuck, my stomach won’t like that right now, “don’t want to”.

So, I’ve been eating less without even intending to. I eat breakfast and then I’m not hungry again until 3 o’clock. I don’t really want to eat again until 3 o’clock. I never understood those people. Maybe it’s their insulin levels are normal. I don’t know.

So today I ate my oat bran with some sliced banana and honey for breakfast and that’s been it. I’m thinking about lunch but don’t really want it. I’m sure I’ll have a snack before taking my daughter to her after school activity and I’ll eat something at dinnertime, but honestly, I couldn’t care less right now.

I will say, I’m hoping that doesn’t turn into a thing with me… the not eating… because that turns out badly for me every time. But that could very well be my anxiety talking making something out of nothing.

Right now I’m just trying to enjoy not being obsessed with food.

So, let’s first acknowledge: snow. Snow, snow, snow, snow, snow.

It’s messed up my week terribly and I’m trying to live with it. But between work stuff last week and being away for the weekend and then all the snow… I’ve been absent here. Not a good recipe to keep myself going.

But, on to the point of today’s post.

Every time I’ve gotten on the scale in the past year (plus-a-couple-months) I’ve gained weight. Today I stepped on the scale again and it was the same as it was last week. The. Same.

At first it felt good.

And then I was annoyed.

What was I expecting? Honestly, I feared that I had gained and then I reminded myself that I’ve genuinely been eating less, I got in several good walks, shoveled for 2 hours straight yesterday and probably hadn’t gained.

But of course, stepping on the scale has a very strong muscle memory for me that screams “I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!!” Even if it’s got no right to expect it.

That same muscle memory also expects weight gain, for obvious reasons.

So getting on the scale and seeing no change can feel like both an extreme let down and an extreme relief all at the same time. Can we say “emotional roller coaster”? No wonder I hate weighing myself.

But at this point in time no gain is good. It’s something to be pleased about. It’s something to work towards continuing. It means while I haven’t buckled down to getting rid of it I’ve at least stopped things from getting worse. For today at least.

For today, I’m working on the same things I have been for so long now, gentle exercise (it’s bitter cold today so I’m thinking some indoor yoga), drinking water, taking my medicine, and writing when I can.

For today, it’s enough.

Before breakfast, after peeing, naked on the scale: 212.5

I’m not really sure what to do with this information. I suppose I’m just re-acclimating myself to knowing instead of guessing and wondering and pretending I’m not worrying about it.

On one level I’m not worrying about it. It is what it is.

On another level it’s complete panic that I’ve let this happen AGAIN and I’m tired of sabotaging myself over and over again.

On another level I am accepting that it’s been one of the hardest years of my life and the fact that I’m still here and feeling decent about myself is a major accomplishment.

On another level it’s just going to hover there until I am ready to do something about it again.

And on yet another level I wonder if I should bother or just work on being happy and healthy at this weight.

The problem is I don’t want to gain any more weight and I don’t really know how to do that: just not gain.

I remember when I was about 12 or 13 years old. I was 5 ft 4 inches tall and weighed 120 pounds. I was so worried about my weight and so was everyone else. My grandfather told me not to worry about losing weight, that as my body finished growing inside and outside it would all balance out. He suggested that if I was going to focus on something it should simply be on not gaining weight.

At the time I remember thinking that I had no idea how to do that. We’re never taught how to maintain. It’s just an all out take no prisoners dieting to lose weight or saying the hell with it all and giving over to the reality of gaining.

I still think there is something wrong with me. My body shouldn’t require under 1200 calories in order to not gain weight. Even calorie king dot com tells me that at my lowest weight (158) and at that level of exercise in order to maintain my weight I should have been eating between 1800-2000 calories a day. But I know that is absolutely not true because when I counted calories for a two years straight I saw quite plainly: 900-1100 calories a day to lose weight, 1200-1400 to maintain weight, 1500 calories and above and I’m gaining.


I’d like to get back below 200 bs. I feel heavy but still relatively fit below 200. Above 200 is where I start to feel overlarge, cumbersome, and incapable of doing things that should be easy.

But these issues seem too big to struggle with wrapping my head around today. No one day is enough to beat this.

Today I focus on the fact that:

I’ve been writing more than once a week.

I’ve exercised six out of the past eight days and will take a walk today too.

I’m doing better with my water and some days I’m getting to the quota.

I’m adding to this list a weekly weigh in. Not looking for weight loss, just keeping it in the realm of “the known”. We’ll see what that does to my progress.

Why is it so hard to make my best intentions stick? I set some very reasonable goals for myself for the new year: drinking more water, taking more walks, writing more. What have I done in the past 10 days? Basically none of it.

i’m sitting in the endocrinologist’s office right now waiting to be seen. My appointment was for 9:30. I got here at 9:10. It’s 10:30 as I type these words and I still haven’t been seen. Don’t me started on this. Frustration doesn’t begin to cover it. (They didn’t have 2 of the three sets of bloodwork or the sleep study they ordered me to do before this appointment. Luckily, I brought copies with me of the results. WTF?)

Anyway, they weighed me. First time since my appointment in October. I was 199 pounds then.

Today, fully dressed, after breakfast, I weighed 212 pounds.

This is what I know about this situation:

I know I haven’t weighed this much since my weight loss surgery almost 10 years ago.

I know I’ve gained 46.5 pounds in one year.

I know that stress has contributed to the gain.

I know that my antidepressants have contributed to the gain.

I know I’m here at the endocrinologist’s office to see if there is anything else contributing that can be treated.

I know I’ve recovered from this level of gain before.

I know I have more energy to combat this than I have in the past year.

I know that I need to be gentle with myself while I attempt change.

I know I need to be really ready in order to make meaningful change.

I know I don’t want this to get worse.

I know it’s better for me to start to work on losing this now rather than wait too much longer.

So what am I doing about it? Well, I’m at the endocrinologist’s office looking for answers.

I stopped taking the one antidepressant that is known to cause weight gain and I’m continuing to take the one that doesn’t.

I’ve started a regimen of pro-biotics and vitamins that are recommended by doctors for addressing weight gain associated with antidepressants.

I’ve thrown away the remains of my daughter’s birthday cakes.

I’ve also decided that I’m not going to take any guff from this doctor I’m (still) waiting to see. I came here really expecting that she would understand how demoralizing it is to go to a doctor to get help with fatigue and weight and to be told by that doctor that you need to lose weight.

I mean, “Duh,” right? Who doesn’t know that? But when it’s been chronic and coupled with fatigue and depression you’d think an endocrinologist would get that it’s more complicated than that, right?

Wrong. She told me fat I should try to lose weight because it will help. Are you kidding me? I was too much in shock (and still too heavily depressed) to respond effectively. But not today. I have no intention to be rude or aggressive however, I do plan on being clear that I’ve come here for help and do not wish to hear things I’ve known since I was 13 years old. Help me, or move out of the way km for someone whoi can, or is at least willing to try.

If I sound grouchy it’s just that I’ve well into my second your of waiting and can’t stand the disregard that is implicit in this behavior.

But I will be polite none the less. I remain hopeful that she will have something to offer that will be helpful to me in reading this cycle of depression, fatigue, and weight gain I’ve struggled with for probably 40 years.

I’ll update later on the “doctor” part of today but for now I need to start making some pledges to myself:

64 oz of water or tea each day

A walk any day the winter weather allows regardless of my schedule and without worrying about “how long” or “how far”.

And hope. Just keep trying to hope.