Archives for posts with tag: Weigh In Day

Well, somehow I’ve reached my first goal which was (as I remember it) to get under 200 lbs.

As of this morning I am officially in “One-derland”! I weighed in at 199.5 pounds. Just under the wire, but I’ll take it!

Honestly, since I’ve gone back to eating carbs the weight has been coming off more slowly. Especially since I had my period last week. I was hovering at 201.5 lbs for a couple of weeks and didn’t have much to say other than, “I have to eat carbs because if I don’t I get so dizzy and nauseated I get nervous to drive and have to lie down every day.” Not fun.

But I think I’ve discovered that if I just don’t eat crappy junk food, processed food, cookies, sweets, etc. while I’m taking this medicine and eating normally I can do fine.

I’ve been thinking what to call this type of eating… and although this might be too filled with judgement for many people who struggle with food, for now I’m calling it “eating like a grown up”. Let’s face it, my kids eat a ton of stuff that I would love to eat, but just shouldn’t. They are still growing and I’m not. Their bodies and metabolisms can handle daily ice cream and cookies. Mine can’t.

My parents, my in-laws, most of my friends, all of whom are at a normal weight, don’t eat that crap except on special occasions. So, that’s what I’m trying to do. It’s what I’ve been doing these past couple of weeks and I’ve lost 3 pounds since starting so that’s ok by me.

I lost 10 pounds the first month on this medicine and seriously dieting. But I felt like crap all of the time and it was not sustainable.

I lost 5 pounds the second month on this medicine and just eating like “a grown-up”. I feel basically healthy and fine and much less tortured by food.

We’ll see how month three goes.

One caveat to the eating plan… I’m generally not eating wheat. I’ve realized that it really does give me a headache. I say things like this all the time after I stop eating wheat. I must sound like a moron now for “realizing” the same things over and over again. But it’s true. Wheat makes my head hurt. But, I’m not interested in feeling massive amounts of deprivation or frustration right now. (We’ve got enough going on with my son.) So, if I’m at home, I stick with gluten free. If I’m in a restaurant I try to avoid it, but if I have a little of it out I’m not going to panic about it or feel guilty.

For today, that’s the plan

 

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So it’s been 4 weeks and 5 days and I’ve lost 10.5 pounds. I’m at 204 this morning and I’ve officially switched my weigh in day to Wednesday with today’s weighing.

My husband asked if I am feeling encouraged.

The answer is no. I’m barely eating and even though it’s because I don’t want to eat, don’t feel like eating, food in general seems yucky to me for some bizarre reason, I know this isn’t sustainable.

But for now, I suppose I’ll take it. I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth of suffer through the worry of what will happen down the line and whether or not I will regain.

For today I’m just glad the pants that are a size smaller than I’ve been wearing since January can be buttoned again. They aren’t perfect, but I can wear them without being in pain.

It’s a start.

So here I am weighing in this morning at 206 lbs.

We got home from vacation last night and this morning I got on the scale.

Was I surprised to have lost weight on vacation? Yes and no.

Yes, I was surprised I’d lost weight while away because all the restaurant eating we’d been doing made me think that even with sticking to protein and vegetables I would have a hard time dropping any weight because of the amount of added salt and fat that goes into restaurant food.

But, I wasn’t so surprised because I walked upwards of 10,000 steps on half of the days we were away and on the days I didn’t I was still physically active.

Also, the last few days I kind of lost my appetite. I don’t know why, I just got tired of eating. I’d order something that I love and was on plan and after a few bites I just think, “eh, I don’t feel like it” and stop eating. I was hungry a lot during the past two days and although I wanted to eat there just wasn’t anything I wanted to eat.

So here I am again wondering if this is sustainable.

Is it?

Will I find myself hitting a rhythm and falling into step where I was last time…

Or will I find myself using up my willpower in a difficult struggle to stay on plan and crash and burn…

Or will I just find everything I can eat so distasteful that I give up in a unremarkable little “puff” of smoke…

Or will that disinterest just turn me off food in general…

I wish I knew.

All I really know is that I’m down 8.5 pounds and I’ms lightly more than halfway to my first goal: out of the two hundreds! 7 pounds left to 199 pounds.

I know one other thing… for today I’m still trying.

My son is sick. This is pretty much all I’ve been thinking about all week.

Coughing, fever, looking like a Halloween mask of white face with dark hollowed eyes. This means I don’t sleep.

Took him to the pediatrician on Saturday but could only get in to see someone who’s never seen him before and doesn’t know his medical history. She told me he was fine, just a virus, no worries, take him home.

Three days later when he still had a fever I took him back and he saw our regular doctor. Guess what? Positive for flu and positive for strep.

Again, no sleep for me.

The anxiety is awful.

But there’s a whole set of other posts here that I would have written assuming I’d had the time/emotional fortitude. And of course, that it was “on topic”.

That’s the briefest explanation I have of where I’ve been all week.

As for today… my weigh in. I lost 1.5 pounds and I feel pretty confident I can attribute it to the medication I started a week and a half ago that my endocrinologist gave me.

Other than terrifying me into thinking that I have thyroid cancer and then not scheduling a biopsy for ages and ages she did give me a medication to take that apparently helps the body’s insulin response.

She actually said to me, “I can tell just by looking at you that you have a problem with your insulin response without needing to run any tests. All obese people have a problem with their insulin.” Holy cow lady, can we say poor bedside manner?

Anyway, I started taking it after I did some thorough research of my own at home. It seems some people lose weight on it like the weight is melting off, some people don’t lose or gain anything, some people gain weight, and some people get weird side effects that make them stop taking it before they can find out if it will help with weight or not. Sounds pretty normal to me. But since the side effects weren’t anything more serious than pooping your brains out I figured I could live with the risk.

I’ve been taking it for a week and a half, with only two and a half days of it on the full dose she prescribed. The thing about it is that I’m just not hungry anymore. It’s not like a Dexatrim (remember that one?) amphetamine not hungry, it’s more like a just, I don’t know, just not hungry .

Apparently high levels of insulin make you hungry. So even when you aren’t stomach-growling-hungry you still feel like eating. With insulin levels at normal levels the idea of eating just doesn’t occur to you. At least, that’s what’s happening with me. I walk past something and have the thought to eat it only I realize I don’t want to. This isn’t like a willpower “don’t want to”. It’s more like a yuck, my stomach won’t like that right now, “don’t want to”.

So, I’ve been eating less without even intending to. I eat breakfast and then I’m not hungry again until 3 o’clock. I don’t really want to eat again until 3 o’clock. I never understood those people. Maybe it’s their insulin levels are normal. I don’t know.

So today I ate my oat bran with some sliced banana and honey for breakfast and that’s been it. I’m thinking about lunch but don’t really want it. I’m sure I’ll have a snack before taking my daughter to her after school activity and I’ll eat something at dinnertime, but honestly, I couldn’t care less right now.

I will say, I’m hoping that doesn’t turn into a thing with me… the not eating… because that turns out badly for me every time. But that could very well be my anxiety talking making something out of nothing.

Right now I’m just trying to enjoy not being obsessed with food.

The past 2 months have been a real struggle for me in terms of my mood and my weight. Luckily, in the last couple of weeks things have really turned around.

I started taking my anti-depressant medication and I stopped the “slipping and sliding” eating habits that had come up over the holidays and had lead to a full blown relapse.

Going back on Attack for a week and getting on the anti-depressant were both essential to clearing out my brain and making me feel like myself again. This also made me see (again) that my food choices and eating habits are about much more than just the scale. They are about helping me to function the best I can as a human being.

The result of this idea was that I made two choices coming off Attack: 1. Since I hadn’t weighed myself either before Attack I wasn’t going to weigh myself after it ended. With no point of comparison it seemed inevitable that it would mess with my head. In the interest of mental health I also decided not to weigh myself during the subsequent weeks until I felt mentally stable enough to do so. And 2. I was going to simply eat, everyday, protein and vegetables.

It’s been so easy to stick to that food plan and I’ve been doing so well that this morning (a Wednesday – my usual weigh in day) I decided – really on the spur of the moment – to weigh myself. The funny thing is that I didn’t really have that much invested in what it said, I just decided I was ready to know what it said. Of course, if it had been super high or super low I would have had some sort of reaction but I knew it wouldn’t be either of those because I feel pretty, well, normal.

The scale read 165.5 and before I could think anything else the thought, “I can live with that” popped into my head and I had hopped off the scale and was pulling on my clothes.

There feels to me like there is some sense of closure here for me, at least for now. This is where I landed and if I keep following my plan for myself then in 1 month the scale, should, in theory, say roughly the same thing.

And I can live with that.

All my life I have struggled with my weight. If I can accept this weight (which is a perfectly good one for me), and I can eat comfortably in a way that supports my mental health, and I can maintain the weight and eating habits then I think…  I’m ok.

Quite a wondrous feeling actually.

Scale: 163.5

Change since one week ago: -5.0

How many days out of the past 7 did I:

  • Follow my food plan: 7
  • Drink 64 oz water: 7
  • Have my oat bran: 7
  • Do 30 minutes of exercise: 0

Today I am feeling this way about my progress:

It’s winter. It’s Christmas. It’s cold. I’m sick. I’m tired. I have my period. I’m sad.

Those are the reasons I didn’t walk at all last week.

But, I met all of my other goals and I got off that extra weight that had come on over Thanksgiving. So I’m relieved.

I’m going to stick with my old “Cruise” plan of: Pure protein days on Thursday, Monday, and Tuesday. Vegetable + protein days Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Weigh in on Wednesday. I’m also going to steer away from the higher fat proteins like salami and beef and stick with the chicken, turkey, ham, eggs, and yogurt that served me so well last year. 

I’ll see how it goes and reassess as needed.

Frankly, this is all just basically a relief. I had started to feel a little bit like I was going off the rails even though I hadn’t started eating carbs again. If there’s anything I’ve learned here it’s that strict actually helps me. Moderation and choice just derails me.

I’m hoping the order and structure of the plan helps to keep me sane while my sister and her family are here… she’s a whole other story I’m not even getting into right now.

Scale: 160.5

Change since one week ago: -0.5

Total down since starting: -28.5

How many days out of the past 7 did I:

  • Follow my food plan: 6
  • Drink 64 oz water: 7
  • Have my oat bran: 7
  • Do 30 minutes of exercise: 1

Today I am feeling this way about my progress:

Given the travel, injury, medicine, and pain I’ve been involved with this past week this weigh in seems pretty darn good to me.

I almost didn’t weigh myself this morning because of the injury to my back/pelvis. I was afraid that not having been able to exercise for a week, and also being on steroids all week, could have really impacted the scale in a not so good way.

But, in the end I weighed myself anyway because I thought to myself that not weighing myself out of fear was no different than weighing myself and letting it define my day. So, I went ahead and weighed myself.

I’m glad I did.

The physical therapy has helped a lot. After the pain of the first appointment wore off my mobility and range of motion has been much improved and I’m very grateful. I’m still uncomfortable, but it’s so much more manageable now.

Of course, I’m not looking forward to the 7 hours of driving facing me tomorrow and Friday, nor the fact that I’ll have to do it alone, but it seems far less scary to me now that the pain is under control.

I can only hope that when I get back, if there’s been any backsliding on the recovery from the trip, the physical therapist will be able to get me back on track fast.

Scale: 161

Change since one week ago: 0

Total down since starting: -28

How many days out of the past 7 did I:

  • Follow my food plan: 6
  • Drink 64 oz water: 7
  • Have my oat bran: 7
  • Do 30 minutes of exercise: 5

Today I am feeling this way about my progress:

It’s funny how the mind works. I could have, would have, sworn that when I looked at my log a couple of weeks ago that the weight it showed from 8/15/2012 was 164.5 pounds.

That wasn’t correct. On 8/15/2013 my weight was 161.5 pounds.

Today, 8/14/2013 my weight is 161 pounds.

I suppose I should look at this through the lens that despite the error in memory my birthday wish still came true. Technically it did. But it doesn’t really feel that way.

I’m feeling glum this morning and it’s not because of the weight.  I know what to do about that. We ate out at restaurants three times this week which is a recipe for disaster. So, any weight gain avoided in light of that is a good thing.

No, I’m glum this morning because it’s my birthday and yesterday afternoon I hurt my lower back. I think it’s sprained. My lower back had been bothering me because it’s that time of the month, and yesterday morning I did a hour of yoga which didn’t really help it to feel better, which was odd. Then in the afternoon I took a long walk, about 4 1/2 miles and my back was still hurting. When I got back from the walk my daughter’s bike was lying on the edge of the parking lot and the sky looked like it was going to rain. I picked up the bike and went to slide it underneath the stairs where we keep it and as I twisted and reached my lower back felt like a rubber band that snapped.

I sort of laughed about it when it happened, because, what better birthday present is there than physical evidence that you’re getting old, right? I do try to have a sense of humor about things. But as the day progressed it got worse and worse going from discomfort when moving too much to genuine pain that prevented me from sleeping despite taking two Alleve and a muscle relaxer.

All I wanted today was to go to the beach and have some quiet time to myself. Now, I’m not sure I’ll be able to go to the beach and might in fact wind up at a physical therapist. It hurts so much that if I didn’t know there hadn’t been any fall or blow to my back I’d think my tail bone was broken.

Birthdays don’t go well for me.

In 48 hours I’m going to be traveling with my family to stay at a friend’s house for the weekend to go to my sister-in-law’s wedding where my children are the flower girl and ring bearer.

This is going to suck.

But that’s not positive thinking. I am trying to change my attitude so that I can try to hope for the best.

Ok, so, here is what I will do today:

I will take care of my back by not sitting too long or walking too much and taking the medicine I need to.

I will catch a ride on the shuttle to the beach and not be an idiot and try to walk there.

I will come home as soon as I’m too tired.

I will do things I enjoy without over exerting.

I will focus on the good.

For today.

Scale: 161

Change since two week ago: -3

Total down since starting: -28

How many days out of the past 7 did I:

  • Follow my food plan: 7
  • Drink 64 oz water: 5
  • Have my oat bran: 7
  • Do 30 minutes of exercise: 7

Today I am feeling this way about my progress:

I’m going back to tracking myself with this level of detail because I know that it works to help keep me on track. Sometimes, I know it feels oppressive, but at other times it feels so reassuring to know that if I do the little things the big picture falls into place. In Overeaters Anonymous we called that “doing the footwork”.

For today doing the footwork feels very reassuring and comforting.

I think I didn’t actually “lose” 3 pounds this week. I think those three pounds I had put on in last week’s weigh-in were stress and tension related and they fell off quickly.

The largest change I made this week was on the exercise. I made sure to get my walk each day and I walked for an hour on 6 out of 7 days this week and on the last day I went to yoga for an hour. It feels good. It feels good emotionally as well as physically to get in that exercise. But, it is so hard to do when there are a million chores staring me down. I have a hard time prioritizing my exercise when there’s a basket of laundry, a grocery list, a stack of papers to grade, and dry cleaning to pick up. I have to work on granting myself permission and seeing exercising as more essential than all those other chores.

The next most significant change I made this week was that I added a third day of pure protein back into the weekly rotation. I’m not going back to “Cruise” per se, but until I get these 7 pounds I gained back off I think it’s a relatively minor adjustment that could really yield worth while results.

Lastly, I went back to eating a lot of my old staples from the days of “Cruise”: asparagus & ham wraps; cauliflower; yogurt. It’s not that I really stopped eating those things but this week I really returned to lean on them. Again, it was comforting.

The only area that really needs improvement is the writing. I was totally absent from the blog this week and that’s not a good thing. This is the hardest things to get done because it involves time alone, sitting, and thinking all at the same time. But, I can make it work.

Onward, with a hopeful heart.

Ok, so clearly something I am doing (or not doing) isn’t working.

I weighed myself this morning and the scale is up to 164 pounds. Tragic? No. Unacceptable? Yes. I’ve got to get this turned around or it’s just going to make me feel miserable about myself and I refuse to go down that path.

Given the upward creep of the scale, despite my protestations that I’m staying “on plan”, the only logical conclusion is that either I’m “off plan” or “the plan” needs to be tweaked. To me, the thing to do is to examine what I’m doing and try to eliminate the things that might be hampering me. Getting highly emotional and panicking is not going to help anything. I’m going to try to remember this!

My goal here is not going to be to get back to my past low weight of 152.5 pounds or lower. I’ve only ever been that low two times in my adult life and both were following bouts of significant illness where I didn’t eat for a week. Therefore, I do not think it is a realistic goal.

I think 154 pounds is a maintainable goal. That’s, gulp, 10 pounds below where I am today. I don’t need to say that this makes me less than happy. But, I’m trying to tell myself it’s a lot less daunting than facing a 35 pound weight gain. So, let’s be grateful for small favors.

I know the stress of selling (or at least trying to sell) our house has done a number on me. There have been so many problems along the way that I can’t even believe how “out of the ordinary bad” this experience has been. Even our realtor has voiced surprise at how many problems have been lobbed at us. Stress causes me weight gain but it can’t really account for 5 pounds since May for a total of 10 pounds since January. Nope there’s other things at work here, things that I can change.

So my Overeaters Anonymous experience tells me to look at what was working when it was working and not try to use my imagination. In OA we are asked to gain insight from observing the experience of others. A maxim of the program is, “if you want what we have than do what we did”. Straight forward and accurate.

So, in reality, I want what I had so I need to do what I did. What was that exactly? Well, luckily that’s not so hard to figure out. I made losing weight my number one priority. Nothing, and I mean nothing, got me to deviate. I was focused not only on what I was eating and when, but I was being diligent about getting in my exercise, keeping a food log, and journaling (writing on the blog here).

When I examine what I’m doing now about my weight I can honesty say that I am keeping up with my daily water intake and not eating carbs like bread, pasta, grains, and starchy vegetables. That’s about it. I’m not logging my food. I’m not sticking to low-fat foods. I’m letting processed “low-carb diet” foods back into my food plan for the sake of convenience. Worst of all, I haven’t exercised more than once or twice a week for the past three and a half weeks.

Making changes to these things to get back on track can be, for the most part, easy in that they just represent a loss of focus. By adjusting my lens, making this process more of a priority again, and doing the footwork I don’t have to feel deprived. It’s only roughly 30% about what I’m eating so the pain and stress of deprivation don’t have to get me down.

Making changes to these things to get back on track can be, for the most part, difficult in that they represent a loss of focus. I’ll have to adjust my whole perspective in order to make this more of a priority again. There’s a lot else that’s going on in my life right now and that makes it hard.

Overeaters Anonymous tells me that without my abstinence I do not have “a life”. It is through the grace provided by abstinence that I have the energy to live and deal with “my life”. That always sounded extreme to me, but now I get it. I get it.

I feel an anticipatory sense of relief. I can’t help but think of the struggles with the scale and the struggles with stress as being interrelated. There is so much evidence in my history to support this. When I am stressed I gain weight. When I gain weight I get stressed. It’s a feedback loop.

So for today, I’m going back to what worked for me and I’m going to do my very best to stick with those helpful patterns and habits. If I find I can’t then I’m going to have to do some reflection on what’s blocking me from doing what I know I need to do to help myself. But in the meanwhile, I’m going to think positively and trust in myself that if I try I will succeed.

For today I will:

  • Log my food
  • Drink 64 oz of water
  • Write
  • Exercise 30 minutes
  • Stick to the food plan (low-fat protein and veggies)

Next week, I’ll go back to logging my weight here on the blog with the “Weigh In Day” posts and I’ll track my weekly adherence to the total plan, not just the food plan.

As always, onward.