My husband and kids just left to go see Guardians of the Galaxy 2. I knew it was coming out today. I knew I was probably not going to feel up to going (even though I really wanted to). I suggested they go out without me. Heck, I’m the one who reminded my husband to get the tickets this afternoon.

But now that they are gone I’m feeling sad. Not just because I wanted to see the movie. And not just because I wanted to see it with my 9 year old who loves it too. But because they went to 5 Guys for dinner and a movie and not only didn’t I get to go tonight, but I don’t know when I’ll get to go again in the foreseeable future.

You see, my son is 9, has special needs, and a food allergy. There aren’t a lot of places we can go together as a family and have everyone enjoy him/herself. But 5 Guys and a movie is usually a slam dunk. And I can’t participate. It’s not just that I can’t participate tonight, it’s that when will I be able to participate again? I don’t actually know. I didn’t really anticipate how much this makes me sad.

Under normal circumstances if my husband grabs the kids and gets them out of the house so I can have some alone time I’d be snuggling up with some TV and some dinner that I can make just for me without having to worry about anyone else. But tonight, I’m just struggling to “sip sip sip” (as the annoying nurse at my surgeon’s office says) my water hoping I can get to my 30 ounce minimum for the day.

I mustered enough energy today to make a batch of my favorite low calorie, low fat, pureed asparagus and tarragon soup. I thought it would be perfect for my full liquids phase of recovery. But it’s not. I finished making it and took one tiny taste and it tastes strangely, and intensely, bitter. The same thing happened last night when I tried to eat a couple of ounces of the red pepper and tomato soup I’ve been eating for a decade. It was horribly bitter. I defrosted some pureed broccoli and carrot soup I’d made a few weeks ago in preparation for the three week long liquid phase but it too tastes bitter, to the point of being disgusting.

I poured myself some of the clear liquid protein drink I tested and bought before surgery. It’s “alpine punch” flavor and it was surprisingly palatable when I was taste testing these things. Now, it tastes disgusting to me, all syrupy and thick and I can’t force it down, even diluted 3 to 1 with water.

The only things I’ve been able to force down have been the Muscle Milk 100 calorie protein shakes (one yesterday, 1/2 so far today), a yogurt (3 ounces on Wednesday, 3 ounces on Thursday), and the tablespoon of oat bran thinned out with enough skim milk plus to make it a liquid (this is allowed by my doctor’s plan at this point).

Why does everything taste wrong?! How long will these messed up taste buds last?

I’m still so tired. Most of the time I find feeling sorry for myself to be a waste of time, but right now I can’t seem to do anything else. At this moment I can’t remember why I cared so much about losing weight and I just want to have my life back.

Sorry, I try to keep these posts optimistic, but I’m not feeling it at the moment.