It’s Friday morning and my surgery happened at nearly this exact time on Monday morning of this week. I weighed myself, mostly out of curiosity, and I’ve lost 9 pounds in 4 days.

You would think that my initial reaction to that would be enthusiasm and excitement. But, in all honesty it’s not. This just doesn’t feel healthy to me. I’m basically starving myself and feeling “ok” about it because I’m not particularly hungry so I don’t really care that I’m not eating. But 9 pounds in 4 days?

Granted, some of that weight is water weight and not actual fat that has been burned. But still. I’m just so listless and tired and I feel as though no matter how hard I try to get in the minimum on fluid intake I’m still struggling not to feel… just wiped out.

I’ve had surgery before, weight loss surgery and other types, and it’s never felt like this so many days after. I’ll admit I’m worried. Not worried that there’s something wrong with me and I’m actually having complications (I’m not). I’m worried that I made the wrong choice, that being fat is actually better than being starved.

I should probably not have weighed myself. But I was trying to get a grasp on what’s happening and that seemed like a concrete way to quantify what’s going on.

It’s a weird sensation, to want to lose weight but to be scared by the mechanism that’s causing it to happen.

I’ll admit that I haven’t slept well at all this week. Monday was a wash, Tuesday I was recovering from the anesthesia, and I haven’t had a decent night sleep all week from the generalized discomfort. I probably would not feel quite so run down, or quite so concerned about being so run down, if I were properly rested.

I suppose we’ll see. There’s no place to go but forward.