I had been working on a post called “Tomorrow’s The Day” that never got published. Here’s what it said:

9:30am is my scheduled surgery time. I’m supposed to be at the hospital by 7:30am. That means leaving the house by 6:40am. 

Tomorrow it happens and I’m scared. I wasn’t scared the last time, 12 years ago. But right now I’m scared. I haven’t been allowed to eat anything today except drink clear liquids 

And then I got distracted by things going on with my kids going to bed, etc. and it never got finished or published.

Now it’s 2:45am on Wednesday and I’m home from the hospital and I’m struggling a lot.

I was not supposed to stay overnight in the hospital but by mid-afternoon on Monday they moved me from the recovery room to a room upstairs. I was, needless to say, confused. But, basically, I was so anesthetized that I couldn’t stay awake long enough to drink anything and they were not going to send me home without knowing that I could keep clear liquids down and that I was peeing again.

The night progressed normally for a hospital stay (which is to say I got little to no sleep but got prodded and poked a lot). I was sent home around 9:30 am yesterday and came home and slept all day, trying to get sips of liquid into me every chance I got. Believe it or not it’s quite hard to get in the liquid you need when you can only take in about a half of an ounce at a time.

I’m in pain, not crippling pain, but pain nonetheless. The woman next to me in the hospital room had the same surgery with the same doctor and she was being given Tylenol with codeine and dilaudid all night long. I can’t take any of those things because I have a narcotics intolerance. So I got nothing for the pain at all. I’m muscling my way through it because I don’t really have a choice, but it’s difficult. I’m trying to tell myself I’m a superhero who can manage the pain alone but it’s not helping all that much.

I’m awake now and walking around the house to get some movement, which I know is so important to the recovery process, getting rid of the gas in my abdomen, and avoiding developing blood clots. I’m also trying to eat little bits of sugar free jello (on my list of acceptable post op foods) but struggling to get it to go down.

Honestly, it’s tough not feeling sorry for myself at this moment. It’s also tough not feeling like a failure. I can’t believe it got to this point again.  I mean really! But I did and I’m here now so I need to make the best of it.

I don’t have any pithy way of wrapping up this post… It’s 3am now and I should probably check my temperature and then head back to bed. Anyone who thinks weight loss surgery is the “easy way out” has no idea how hard this is. I just wish it was next week already and I was feeling better.