The first month or so after having my band removed was pretty normal with food. Everything I ate was basically the same as what I ate when I had the band. Quantities were also basically the same. I didn’t really think about food any differently than I had before, other than to just be relieved that I could swallow broccoli without needing to vomit.

But the past two weeks or so have been different. Simply put, I can’t stop eating. Anything, everything, there’s no rhyme or reason to it. It’s as though any food that happens to be nearby is suddenly magnetized to me and I feel compelled to eat it even if I don’t actually want to eat it.

I’m also hungry way more than I ever was before. I can eat a full and healthy dinner and then a couple of hours later I’m actually, stomach growling, hungry. Case in point, the other night I had roasted chicken (no skin), with baked sweet potato, and roasted Brussels sprouts. By 9:30pm I was hungry enough to eat another whole meal! I didn’t of course, I told myself, “it’s ok, you’ll eat again tomorrow”. (This was my standard OA mantra.)

But then the next morning I was having my pre-op blood work drawn, which meant I had to fast, and I didn’t get the opportunity to eat breakfast until after 10am. Now I’m no stranger to hunger but it was the first time I could remember feeling so unhinged by being hungry. I was cranky and impatient and just wanted to stomp over everyone in front of me in line at the lab (they were running way behind schedule).

By the time I left and went to get food there was so little time before I had to be at work that I ran into the grocery store looking to just grab something from the salad bar. Which I did, some nice plain yogurt, cut up fruit, and 2 hard boiled eggs. But, then I also went and grabbed two big plastic-clamshells of cake from the bakery department.

?!?!?!?!?!?What?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Then I ate half of one of them with my fingers while driving. I seriously don’t even know who I am anymore.

When I got to work I threw it all the rest of it out, uneaten, in an outdoor, public garbage can so there was no way I could retrieve it later.

I feel as though there is something neurochemical about this because psychologically and emotionally it doesn’t feel like anything has changed. But my behavior has changed in ways I hate.

Holy cow, I am ready for this surgery in 10 days. I want to be free of this weird hold food has on me. I remember this, from ages ago, when I was young, before OA, before the band. It’s like some external being has got a hook in me and can control me in ways that make no sense. But I remember that after the band that all lifted. It was gone and I was just at peace with food for the first time ever. They say that happens with the sleeve. One nurse told me that the bacteria in the stomach and intestines change after the sleeve and that fixation on food lifts.

I hope so. This can’t come soon enough for me. I need the relief.

Advertisements