Last night I made garlicky green beans and my husband put some ribs on the grill. I was so excited for that dinner. Protein and vegetables, just enough fat to be tasty but still pretty lean, flavorful and satisfying. Then, as he brought them in from the grill and placed them on the counter for me to cut into servings the hunger I’d been fighting all day turned into a wave of nausea. I couldn’t shake it.

The punch line? My dinner last night? One rib. One. No green beans. One. Rib. One rib that I forced myself to eat.

The same thing happens over and over again to me nowadays. I’m get hungry, I go to eat, I get nauseated and can’t eat which means I’m hungry again in an hour. Or, if I force myself to eat, because I know I should, the nausea take hours and hours to go away. Sometimes it makes me feel so bad I need to lie down.

What’s the practical outcome here? I am basically hungry all of the time except when I’m nauseated. Lovely.

Food was always something that made me feel good (when I wasn’t binging and abusing it). But sitting down to a nice, on plan, meal was joyful. I could lose weight and still love what I was eating. Obviously you don’t love every meal every day. Breakfast is routine and uninspired most of the time. Lunch is usually just fuel to get through the busy afternoon. But both of them tasted good. Dinner was the place to relax and enjoy myself with something creative and flavorful and enjoyable.

But now, all meals are sort of a challenge that leave me feeling either totally disinterested or totally dissatisfied.

I’m still eating my oat bran at breakfast most days. But fairly often I’m skipping it and eating a low carb, no sugar, gluten free protein bar. Then when lunch rolls around I want to have something off plan but instead I eat another protein bar. Or, more often than not, I just skip lunch altogether and eat that second protein bar in the late afternoon munchie time. Dinner, half the time, is a bust like last night. Blech.

So am I losing weight? Yes. At least I have been up until now, we’ll see what Wednesday’s weigh in has to say on the subject in two days.

But is it sustainable? Hell no.

Or is it? I don’t want to eat so perhaps it is sustainable. Perhaps I’ll go a long time without wanting to eat.

Or, perhaps I’ll miss food so much, the social aspect of eating, the comfort of chewing, the pleasure of tasting something that’s both good and good for me, that I’ll go back to eating crap just to get some tiny part of that back.

I’m fairly confident that most of this experience is coming from the medicine my endocrinologist put me on. My husband has suggested that I stop taking it to see if that helps bring my appetite back. But, “why would I want that?”, I ask myself. If it’s working to help me lose weight don’t I want it to keep going?

For the first time, maybe ever, I’m not really sure. On balance, life’s happier with food.

The real problem is I can’t stay still. My husband pointed that out last night. I’m either losing or gaining at a fairly fast clip… I don’t have much insight on that right now… I suppose that needs to go in the idea incubator and I’ll come back to it in another post.

For today, I’m just trying to hold on.