So probably the main struggle that I’m having this time around on the diet is that I have both zero desire to eat anything and I’m constantly hungry. While those two things don’t seem to go with one another they do in so far as I have no appetite for the foods I should be/can be eating on this diet. The result is that I’m barely eating anything and so I’m hungry all the time.

This is not a good combination.

Last time I followed this plan it seemed so sustainable. I keep it up for almost 2 years and I never had cravings or temptations or deprivation. It felt fine to eat that way. But this time around I’m having trouble because all of the foods that were my staples last time seem totally unappealing. Eggs? Blech. Yogurt? Ugh. Deli stuff? Gah. Veggies and dip? No thanks.

I have my oat bran in the morning and then sit around wondering what they heck I’m supposed to eat for the rest of the day so I just don’t. Obviously this is unsustainable. Either I will freak out and start eating carbs or my body will wig out that I am not taking in enough calories and instead of losing weight it’s going to freeze and hold onto every ounce. Either way it’s a loose/loose situation for me.

I just keep plugging away because I have no idea what to do about it. My weight is unacceptable. For me. Not for anyone else. Just for me. I don’t like how it feels, I don’t like how it looks, I don’t like my clothes, I don’t like being out of breath. I just don’t like any part of it. So it has to come off.

But how? I thought I knew, but now I’m just not so sure. I keep coming face to face with this wall of no options.

One of my friends always says that there are three choices in any given situation. Leave it. Change it. Accept it.

Well, I can’t leave this because it’s my body so option ‘A’ is out.

Option ‘C’ doesn’t really work because every time I try to accept it I wind up gaining weight and being more miserable.

So that leaves me with option ‘B’, change it. I want to do this. But everyday it just seems harder than it used to be and less effective. Since I have no other choices at this point I can only think to myself that I need to just keep plugging away even though I don’t really want to.

Then again, they also say in program that the definition of insane is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. But that might not be relevant because I’m doing the same thing I did last time and expecting the same results. Maybe that’s the reason I feel so lost… so insane… because I’m doing the same thing expecting the same results but I’m getting different ones.

I don’t know… for today all I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.

We’ll see how long this can last.

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