I’ve not fallen off the wagon… I’m just on spring break with my kids and husband which is why I haven’t written in a while.

I’ve stuck to the diet the whole time with the exception of on the night of our Passover Seder at my father-in-law’s house. I had some matzoh and some apples in the charoset. I felt weird about it but it was really pretty harmless.

The rest of the time I’ve been sticking with the simplest form of the diet of veggies and protein no carbs (of any non-vegetable kind). It’s been fine. It’s never hard to fulfill those requirements in restaurants as salad is always an option and good ones are really satisfying.

But I’m still struggling. I’m having to use too much willpower to get through each day on plan. Before every meal I think to myself that this one could be the one to fudge a little and that I’ll get back on the plan tomorrow. Then I talk myself out of it. I try to control myself and my willpower pushes me to order a side salad instead of french fries with my chicken at dinner.

I spend two hours thinking non-stop about the cookies I made for the kids and debating eating them or not in my head the entire time I’m laughing and playing board games with my husband and our friends. There’s very little pride or satisfaction in not having eaten any of the cookies at the end of the night because I know it shouldn’t have been taking up so much of my thoughts to begin with. It shouldn’t have led to thoughts of ripping open bags of marshmallows.

This is what I mean when I say that it’s harder than it should be at this point. If I’m counting on willpower I know that I will fail. Willpower is only so strong and even though mine is damn near Herculean at this point it will still fail at some point. Then what?

I went back to look at where my head was three weeks into this diet the first time. That was May 24th, 2012. I thought that maybe I was romanticizing the experience in my memory and that if I re-read it I’d see that it took me longer to get into the groove.

But no such luck. I was so freaking happy in that post. I even talked about how on most diets I usually feel deprived and like I’m struggling so much at this point (which I am RIGHT NOW) yet at that point I wasn’t feeling this way at all. At three weeks in the first time around with this I felt fantastic and was ready to move onwards.

What I wouldn’t give for a touch of that now.

After three weeks the first time around I was down 12 pounds. Granted, I don’t know how much I’m down at this point because I can’t weigh myself, but I am confident it’s not 12 pounds.

After only two weeks the first time around I was down 9 pounds. After two weeks this time I was down 5 pounds.

I don’t know if I am looking to be discouraged or what. But right now I’m feeling frustrated and afraid that I will fail.

I’ve been on vacation for over a week now and we’re getting home in two more days. I haven’t weighed myself at all because I haven’t been able to. I don’t know what to expect from the scale when I get home. On six of the last eight days I’ve walked in excess of 10,000 steps (I know this from my husband’s Fit Bit tracking). But I’ve eaten in restaurants three meals a day for all but three days. Those two things could counteract one another big time.

My head is spinning right now so I’m glad that I wrote this out. I keep telling myself that I just need to make it through until Monday morning and then I’ll see what’s what. Depending on what the scale says then I’ll reflect on where I’m going from here.

On a side note… at three weeks in last time when I had lost 12 pounds I weighed 177 pounds. At last weigh in I was 209.5 pounds. That’s 32.5 pounds less than I weigh now.

I confess that it discouraging that I will have to lose 35.5 pounds to get back to where I started from three years ago before I lost 35 pounds. This always makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I can never be satisfied where I am. I’d kill to weigh 177 pounds again. But who the hell knows what negativity I’ll be hitting myself with when I get to 177 pounds and insist that it’s not good enough.

Sigh… but that’s another post.