I think what I had yesterday was actually a migraine. After a few more hours I just went back to bed (never did get that walk) and by dinnertime I was feeling better enough to eat something. I had my bowl of oat bran and called it a day.

But at bedtime I couldn’t sleep and I was just so hungry. I don’t mean I wanted to eat. I mean I was actually really very hungry. Stomach growling hunger. I told myself that I would eat tomorrow so just try to hold out. Which I did. And now it’s a quarter past 11 in the morning and I’m eating for the first time today. Whatever.

As I was lying in bed this morning trying to muster the energy to get up and I was thinking about what I can make for dinner for my family. The truth is that with me eating like this the answer is nothing. I can make nothing for my family that resembles an actual meal. It is actually quite frustrating. I think back on being able to just throw together a pasta dish at the last minute and feel like I’ve providing a meal. I hate all these limitations.

I try to tell myself that it’s my disease that is fighting against the limitations and so if it’s screaming at me then that’s at least a sign that it’s flailing right now. If so, then I’m getting somewhere. If not, then I’m just struggling, which is disheartening.

Last night in the middle of the night while lying awake and being hungry I kept trying to talk myself into eating a piece of my son’s leftover birthday cake. I didn’t. It seemed like it wouldn’t be worth it to throw away 4 days of hard work. But my disease was there telling me one piece wouldn’t make a difference and that I could go back to eating no carbs in the morning. I didn’t do it. It wasn’t worth it. This morning I threw the cake out. (With my 7 year old’s blessing.)

But what I’m realizing is that what I really want is vegetables. I think this wouldn’t seem too bad if I could just eat some vegetables. A nice big salad seems like decadence right now and I long for carrots and lettuce to crunch between my teeth.

Maybe tomorrow… Friday at the absolute latest. I know 1 week of no carbs is a solid baseline for me to feel secure moving forward. We’ll see if I can go that long.

I had talked with my husband about the fact that I had originally been considering easing into this by doing a week or two of protein + vegetables before trying a week of pure protein because I felt so shaky and the presence of vegetables would help. But in the end I went with this and I’ve stuck with it. Although the white knuckling is going on much longer than I had expected.

But in another week and a half, at the two week mark of eliminating the carbs, I think I’ll be ok. I know that in the past that is how long it takes for me to get settled and not be fighting the demon every moment.

We’ll see. All I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other one day at a time.

My first sponsor in OA all those years ago told me to never forget what day it is. No matter what remember what day it is, say it first thing in the morning, say it at night before bed. It makes things solid and real in a way that is harder to destroy.

Today is day 5.

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