I’m done with all of this weight. It’s just so hard to carry it all around.

I thought that accepting myself for who I am and not being hard on myself for how I was eating would somehow provide me with a kindness that would help heal me. It doesn’t.

All my “kindness” and non-judgement has done is allowed my weight to escalate to a point where it is truly alarming for me. 10 years ago when I had my weight loss surgery I thought I was never going to see this part of the scale again.

I was successful in keeping off close to 80 pounds worth of weight loss for nearly 10 years. Yes, I had about 3 years after my son was born when I had 30 extra pounds. But I’ve never been this close to my highest weight and guess what?

I.

Don’t.

Like.

It.

I don’t feel good in my body. Period. That’s it. It’s not about clothes, it’s not about numbers, it’s not about the approval of others. I hate the way my body feels, how it moves, and how I feel in it.

I made a list of the reasons I could think of that I need to lose some of this weight.

  • Buttons cut into my rolls even when the clothes I’m wearing aren’t too tight. My flesh just gives in and the buttons hurt. I’m not going to give up buttons!
  • It’s getting harder to tie my shoelaces. I can still reach, but it’s hard because my stomach hits my thighs and limits my range of movement.
  • The feeling of my skin sticking against other skin (that aren’t supposed to be touching) is awful. And I mean AWFUL!!! When I’m wearing pajamas my the skin of my belly hangs down and presses into my hips. I HATE IT!
  • I can barely do yoga, which I like and want to be able to do because it makes me feel good.
  • I have no energy.
  • My stomach is big enough that I can rest my arm on it when I’m totally relaxed ( like when I was pregnant).
  • In this body I don’t  feel like having sex. But I want to have sex, I like sex, and my husband, and having sex with my husband. But I don’t want to in this body.

These are not about how I “look”. This is about what I don’t like about living in this body.

I guess that means I’m ready to make a change. Finally.

So I weighed myself this morning: 214.5

I’m going for a clean break, a cleansing couple of weeks before we go on vacation for the kids spring break.

From today until Friday April 3rd I’m just going to eat protein and vegetables (with one daily dose of oat bran). My primary plan is to focus on the following foods that I know are safe for me emotionally, facilitate weight loss for me, and that I enjoy eating:

  1. Oat bran and oat bran muffins (in restricted quantity)
  2. Eggs
  3. Yogurt
  4. SF NF yogurt smoothies
  5. Tuna fish
  6. Fish
  7. Salad
  8. Veggies w/dip
  9. Cheese sticks
  10. Deli meat & Cheese roll-ups
  11. Raw unsalted nuts
  12. Water & tea

It’s not the 100% best diet. But it’s likely to reset my system, which it desperately needs.

I’m also going to work on exercise. Just walking… and yoga, which is painful but I’m doing it.

That might be my motto for a while: painful but I’m doing it.

Actually, my real motto is, “the only way out is through”. My husband and I have been saying this to each other for the past week or so.

The only way out is through.

 

 

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