Before breakfast, after peeing, naked on the scale: 212.5

I’m not really sure what to do with this information. I suppose I’m just re-acclimating myself to knowing instead of guessing and wondering and pretending I’m not worrying about it.

On one level I’m not worrying about it. It is what it is.

On another level it’s complete panic that I’ve let this happen AGAIN and I’m tired of sabotaging myself over and over again.

On another level I am accepting that it’s been one of the hardest years of my life and the fact that I’m still here and feeling decent about myself is a major accomplishment.

On another level it’s just going to hover there until I am ready to do something about it again.

And on yet another level I wonder if I should bother or just work on being happy and healthy at this weight.

The problem is I don’t want to gain any more weight and I don’t really know how to do that: just not gain.

I remember when I was about 12 or 13 years old. I was 5 ft 4 inches tall and weighed 120 pounds. I was so worried about my weight and so was everyone else. My grandfather told me not to worry about losing weight, that as my body finished growing inside and outside it would all balance out. He suggested that if I was going to focus on something it should simply be on not gaining weight.

At the time I remember thinking that I had no idea how to do that. We’re never taught how to maintain. It’s just an all out take no prisoners dieting to lose weight or saying the hell with it all and giving over to the reality of gaining.

I still think there is something wrong with me. My body shouldn’t require under 1200 calories in order to not gain weight. Even calorie king dot com tells me that at my lowest weight (158) and at that level of exercise in order to maintain my weight I should have been eating between 1800-2000 calories a day. But I know that is absolutely not true because when I counted calories for a two years straight I saw quite plainly: 900-1100 calories a day to lose weight, 1200-1400 to maintain weight, 1500 calories and above and I’m gaining.

Whatever.

I’d like to get back below 200 bs. I feel heavy but still relatively fit below 200. Above 200 is where I start to feel overlarge, cumbersome, and incapable of doing things that should be easy.

But these issues seem too big to struggle with wrapping my head around today. No one day is enough to beat this.

Today I focus on the fact that:

I’ve been writing more than once a week.

I’ve exercised six out of the past eight days and will take a walk today too.

I’m doing better with my water and some days I’m getting to the quota.

I’m adding to this list a weekly weigh in. Not looking for weight loss, just keeping it in the realm of “the known”. We’ll see what that does to my progress.

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