Why is it so hard to make my best intentions stick? I set some very reasonable goals for myself for the new year: drinking more water, taking more walks, writing more. What have I done in the past 10 days? Basically none of it.

i’m sitting in the endocrinologist’s office right now waiting to be seen. My appointment was for 9:30. I got here at 9:10. It’s 10:30 as I type these words and I still haven’t been seen. Don’t me started on this. Frustration doesn’t begin to cover it. (They didn’t have 2 of the three sets of bloodwork or the sleep study they ordered me to do before this appointment. Luckily, I brought copies with me of the results. WTF?)

Anyway, they weighed me. First time since my appointment in October. I was 199 pounds then.

Today, fully dressed, after breakfast, I weighed 212 pounds.

This is what I know about this situation:

I know I haven’t weighed this much since my weight loss surgery almost 10 years ago.

I know I’ve gained 46.5 pounds in one year.

I know that stress has contributed to the gain.

I know that my antidepressants have contributed to the gain.

I know I’m here at the endocrinologist’s office to see if there is anything else contributing that can be treated.

I know I’ve recovered from this level of gain before.

I know I have more energy to combat this than I have in the past year.

I know that I need to be gentle with myself while I attempt change.

I know I need to be really ready in order to make meaningful change.

I know I don’t want this to get worse.

I know it’s better for me to start to work on losing this now rather than wait too much longer.

So what am I doing about it? Well, I’m at the endocrinologist’s office looking for answers.

I stopped taking the one antidepressant that is known to cause weight gain and I’m continuing to take the one that doesn’t.

I’ve started a regimen of pro-biotics and vitamins that are recommended by doctors for addressing weight gain associated with antidepressants.

I’ve thrown away the remains of my daughter’s birthday cakes.

I’ve also decided that I’m not going to take any guff from this doctor I’m (still) waiting to see. I came here really expecting that she would understand how demoralizing it is to go to a doctor to get help with fatigue and weight and to be told by that doctor that you need to lose weight.

I mean, “Duh,” right? Who doesn’t know that? But when it’s been chronic and coupled with fatigue and depression you’d think an endocrinologist would get that it’s more complicated than that, right?

Wrong. She told me fat I should try to lose weight because it will help. Are you kidding me? I was too much in shock (and still too heavily depressed) to respond effectively. But not today. I have no intention to be rude or aggressive however, I do plan on being clear that I’ve come here for help and do not wish to hear things I’ve known since I was 13 years old. Help me, or move out of the way km for someone whoi can, or is at least willing to try.

If I sound grouchy it’s just that I’ve well into my second your of waiting and can’t stand the disregard that is implicit in this behavior.

But I will be polite none the less. I remain hopeful that she will have something to offer that will be helpful to me in reading this cycle of depression, fatigue, and weight gain I’ve struggled with for probably 40 years.

I’ll update later on the “doctor” part of today but for now I need to start making some pledges to myself:

64 oz of water or tea each day

A walk any day the winter weather allows regardless of my schedule and without worrying about “how long” or “how far”.

And hope. Just keep trying to hope.