I’ve been absent for so long because my life has been consumed with my 6 year old son’s health problems.

When your child is sick everything else seems to have no meaning.

I don’t want to paint a more desperate picture than it is in reality so I should say upfront that what he’s facing is not life-threatening. It’s just life changing.

For him.

For us.

For his sister.

For school.

For everything.

One of my best friends told me that I just need to go easy on myself because we’re all in survival mode right now.

She’s right.

We are.

We keep seeing these “finish lines” in front of us but when we get to them we realize it’s not actually a finish line but just a new starting line for a whole new set of questions and tests.

My husband and I are both fighting to keep our heads above the water of depression and anxiety. I’m grateful that we have each other and can lean on each other as we go through this together.

My food has been nothing short of a disaster these past few months.

I hadn’t weighed myself since January 29th of this year. That’s nearly exactly six months ago. At the time I was 165.5 pounds.

I’ve been too afraid to weigh myself for fear it would bring about all sorts of self-loathing and self-recriminations. But I’ve estimated based on how my clothes fit and how I feel that I’ve put on 30-35 pounds.

Today I weighed myself. I finally did it because I realized that to a certain degree I don’t care what it says. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like being heavier. But with the perspective of what’s going on with my son the numbers on the scale hold very little meaning for me. I know what I look like.

And I’m doing the best I can.

And for today I’m satisfied with that.

So, I weighed myself just to know where things stand and I weigh 188.5 pounds.

That’s up 23 pounds from January.

That’s up 30 pounds from my stabilized weight after the loss and what I weighed before getting pregnant with my son 7 years ago.

That’s up 35 pounds from my lowest weight from the last weight loss attempt.

So, what I take from this is that I know what the numbers are, at least generally, without looking at the scale. But that looking at the scale keeps me honest.

I’m not ready to try to take the weight off right now. I need some more stabilization with my son before I’m going to be able to think about going on a diet again. But that’s ok. When he’s better I’ll be better too.