Well, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything here and that needs to change. I had fallen down the rabbit hole of my depression and anxiety and in trying to be gentle with myself as I tried to climb out of that hole my writing stopped. But, it helps me so it’s time to get back into it.

So here’s a bullet list of updates I’ll elaborate on later:

  • I saw an APN for medication management and my depression and anxiety are finally lifting and I’m feeling like I’m back from the edge of the abyss.
  • Work is winding down for the semester and while there’s one last push of work that will hit I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
  • We’re about to undergo a tricky week of my son being in the hospital to address some of his health concerns which is creating some reality based anxiety for me but I’m looking forward to getting some answers.
  • We may have a bite (finally!) on selling our old house. The attention needed there is ramping up this week and I’m not thrilled that it’s coinciding with my son’s hospital stay but if I can get that house off my hands once and for all it will be a huge stress reliever.
  • I’m pretty sure I’ve gained back most of the weight I lost since starting this blog because I’m back in my old size 10 clothes but I’m not sure what the actual number is on the scale because I haven’t weighed myself since January 29th.

So, let’s start with that last item… I’m working hard on accepting the fact that between the stress and anxiety of my son’s health concerns and the depth of my depression this winter the weight gain isn’t the primary focus. It’s just something I have to accept and not beat myself up over.

Surprisingly (and it’s probably the medication talking here) I don’t hate myself very much for this weight gain. I won’t lie, it doesn’t feel great to put on clothes that used to fit and have them not anymore. I didn’t like having to go out and buy more size 10 pants and shorts. But, this was one of the more difficult and stressful winters I’ve experienced and I feel kind of lucky that some weight gain is all the damage I did to myself.

I was looking at my naked body in the mirror the other day and I realized that I don’t hate it. I’m not angry at my body or mind for “betraying” me. I’m not criticizing it in my mind as much. I still hate the way my belly hangs over the c-section scar and I still hate the rounded double chin. But, those thoughts are quickly pushed away by the perspective that I’m alive and so are my kids and that’s more important than the size of my belly. While I know that I feel better when I’m lighter, and I plan to get back to losing again, I’m also being realistic about what I can and can not handle right now.

My husband also gained some weight this winter. He’s never been significantly overweight but over the past few years that middle age weight creep effected him and he dieted with me two years ago and lost those extra pounds to the point that he was nearly back to what he weighed when I met him at age 23. Now, he’s back where he was two years ago again and he’s making noises about wanting to get back in shape and lose the weight again.

I told him that I would get back on the bandwagon with him again once this week of tests for our son is over and we get the house sold (or at least firmly contracted so the buyers can’t back out like the last ones did). Then I will have the ability to focus and give attention to my weight. In the meanwhile, I’m just working on getting emotionally better and taking care of my son.

For now, that’s enough.

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