Well, I went to see the psychiatric nurse yesterday and she’s put me on a cocktail of three different anti-depressants. Each is a different type so it will act in different ways on different types of brain receptors. In addition to their function as anti-depressants one will help calm the anxiety, one will help me sleep, and one will hopefully act as a stabilizer in the hopes that it will counteract the weight gain potential of the other two. I’m no the lowest possible dose of all of them.

The bad news is that it will take about two weeks for the effect of the meds to really take place.

The good news is the one that’s supposed to help me sleep did it’s job.

Thanks to my mother and my husband getting the kids off to school without my help this morning I was able to stay in bed and sleep. I slept for 10 hours.

10 hours.

10.

Hours.

My head feels a little funny this morning; if I swing my head from side to side quickly I get a bit dizzy. But for 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep it’s worth it. The best part is that it’s not supposed to be habit forming and once I get the other two meds stabilized she said that I could stop that third one and take it only when I was having trouble sleeping.

The effect of the sleep was significant, although clearly not a cure all. But, this morning I put on a bra, and real clothes, and took off the night shirt I’d been wearing for two days and three nights straight, and took a shower.

My default right now is still exhaustion and despair but the sleep restored a little bit of hope.

Unfortunately, I found out about an hour ago that the assignment I was hoping to get for the summer didn’t come through. In five years it’s the first time that I didn’t get assigned to the summer session at work. I’m freaking out moderately since that essentially means that $3,000 dollars just evaporated out of my income stream and the estimate for repairing the damage that was done to the basement of our old house (which we haven’t sold yet and is now off the market while repairs are being done at the beginning of the peak RE season!!) looks like it’s going to run about $12,000 that we don’t have. Don’t. Have.

Our homeowners insurance will cover on $5,000 of it and we might have to sue our town for the remainder of the costs since the problem was entirely because of them. But even if we succeed it’s going to take months to work that out and get reimbursed.

My resting heart rate has been elevated for so long I don’t even know what it should be at this point. The anxiety just doesn’t have anywhere to go. I know that no matter how good this medication is it won’t be able to get rid of the anxiety as long as all of these reality based external stressors are still beating me down.

At this point I’m just waiting for something to go right.

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