I’m having trouble with that simple idea today.

I met with the therapist yesterday and that was good. She was sort of horrified when I went through the list of external stressors I have had to deal with lately. But I still feel weak and lame.

I haven’t been able to sleep in days so this morning I went back to bed after the kids went off to school. I slept for about 2 hours. I don’t feel much better.

You know you are depressed when the fact that you changed your socks and underwear feels like an accomplishment. And when you are leaving the house without a bra on and are still in your nightshirt which you’ve tucked into your jeans and thrown a sweatshirt over.

I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to prepare for work for tomorrow let alone go.

In an hour I have an appointment with a psychiatrist to try to get my medication fixed. I know I have to get myself there.

It’s obvious to me that there is a cyclical relationship going on here between the food and the depression/anxiety. If I were eating better I probably wouldn’t be feeling so anxious and depressed. If I wasn’t feeling so anxious and depressed I’d have the emotional resources to fix the food.

Like the chicken and the egg I have no actual idea which came first. Although my instinct is that it was the depression and anxiety because they started up a good six months before the relapse happened.

For today I’m pulling back from even the “one day at a time” and “one foot in front of the other” mentality. They are too fast paced and I don’t have the capacity to do that much right now. Right now it’s just “what’s the next task that really actually has to get done?” I’m not even sure I trust myself to know right now so I’m trying to get my husband to guide me on the reality there.

This is so hard. But I’m trying.

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