I’ve loved Allie Brosh’s blog, Hyperbole and a Half, for years and years. She’s also a sufferer of depression and her two posts on depression describe a lot of my experience. This line in particular struck me the other day as being particularly resonate:

“But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back.  A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn’t going to work.”

I’ve felt this way about my depression. I’ve also always felt this way about trying to use willpower to manage my eating.

Willpower is a non-starter in both cases.

I thought I’d link to the two posts she has on depression because they make me feel so very much less alone.

My experience differs from her’s in that I’ve never felt suicidal… I can partly relate to the part where she says, “No, see, I don’t necessarily want to KILL myself… I just want to become dead somehow.” But I don’t actually want to be dead somehow, I just want to be allowed to sleep for months until this goes away. Not the same as dead. Not at all the same as dead. I do not want to be dead. I just want to be left alone to sleep for as long as it takes to make me wake up and feel better and, on some level, that might be just a little tiny bit like wanting to be dead temporarily. Which I know is impossible so I don’t actually want to be dead.

I don’t think I can say that one enough.

I. Don’t. Actually. Want. To. Be. Dead.

So, I don’t want anyone to worry about me in relation to that part…

It’s just the rest these posts that really hits home for me. The end of the second post in particular is maybe the one thing that could give me hope right now when I feel so hopeless. I’ve made that last picture the cover photo on my phone. It helps to see that message every time I turn it on.

So, enjoy. (And you’re allowed to smile or laugh at these posts. Allie is really funny.)

Allie Brosh’s “Adventures in Depression”

Allie Brosh’s “Depression Part Two”