I haven’t written anything in a few days because…

… I’m away from my computer this week…

… My son’s health problem that triggered me last month are back…

… My eating is so off the charts terrible I can’t even handle it…

… My anxiety and depression are so off the charts terrible I don’t even know what to say about it anymore…

… My head feels like it’s just spinning…

… The iPad isn’t sufficient for writing blog posts.

I’m reading a book called “Where’d You Go, Bernadette Fox” by Maria Semple. While sitting awake next to my son all night waiting to awaken him at 3 hour intervals for medicine I read the following passage about anxiety and depression. It stood out to me and resonated with my experience so I thought I’d share it. Thank you to Maria Semple for her words.

“Even sleeping makes my heart race! I’m lying in bed when the thumping arrives, like a foreign invader. It’s a horrible dark mass, like the monolith in 2001, self-organized but completely unknowable, and it enters my body and releases adrenaline. Like a black hole, it sucks in any benign thoughts that might be scrolling across my brain and attaches visceral panic to them. For instance, during the day I might have mused, Hey, I should pack more fresh fruit in Bee’s lunch. That night, with the arrival of The Thumper, it becomes, I’VE GOT TO PACK MORE FRESH FRUIT IN BEE’S LUNCH!!! I can feel the irrationality and anxiety draining my store of energy like a battery-operated racecar grinding away in the corner. This is energy I will need to get through the next day. But I just lie in bed and watch it burn, and with it any hope for a productive tomorrow. There go the dishes, there goes the grocery store, there goes exercise, there goes bringing in the garbage cans. There goes basic human kindness. I wake up in a sweat so thorough I sleep with a pitcher of water by the bed or I might die of dehydration.”

Advertisements