I have grand plans when I wake up in the morning and then when I’m confronted with choices about food the plans fall apart.

This morning, for some insane reason, I made myself a cup of tea as usual and grabbed a bag with two huge cookies in it and threw it in my purse. On the drive home from dropping my son at school my breakfast consisted of the tea and both cookies.

I think the universe keeps trying to send me messages that it’s time to knock off this crap because I nearly choked/barfed at one point on a chunk of cookie and tea going down the wrong pipe. I feel lucky that I didn’t wind up spraying myself and the car with it as I coughed uncontrollably. I also feel lucky that I was at a stop light at the time and I wasn’t at any risk of crashing as a result.

I feel like an idiot.

Of course, this is what relapse is like.

I remember what recovery feels like. It is bliss. Not that I’m trying to romanticize or over look all the hard work that goes into recovery, it’s just that from an emotional standpoint it’s so much easier than all this heap of nonsense the food dumps onto everything.

But I’m not ready… I can feel it… so close… but I can feel that I’m not ready to give up my will and submit… yet.

Yesterday I got out a box of clothes that I’ve been hiding in the garage. It a bunch stuff I wore before I lost the weight two years ago. I realized that tight clothes make me hate myself and it’s time to be realistic. Surprisingly, the stuff I took out is still petty loose on me and that was a relief. At least I didn’t wind up all the way back up the scale. I don’t want to fill these clothes out any more than they are or stay in them forever but it was a relief to have something to put on that didn’t make me feel as though I was being squeezed to death.

I have an important week coming up. I have a major interview on Thursday for a promotion at work I’ve been hoping to be considered for for the past 18 months. It’s a serious interview too. It’s not just a courtesy to keep the internal candidate from complaining. They sent me the schedule for the interview and it’s going to be 5 hours long. Interviews with multiple people, special tours, demos, etc. Of course, part of it is that they want to take me to lunch.

Of course they want to take me to lunch.

Because what could make it more stressful for me?

Introduce food into the process!!!

But today I’m thinking about today. Preparing my materials for the interview. Practicing what I need to have down for the interview. Making myself the best candidate.

Tomorrow I’ll worry about the lunch and what I’ll wear.

For today, the only thing I can do is focus on what I can control which is my preparation.

Also, maybe on not having cookies for lunch too.