So it’s been nearly a month since I posted last and as anyone in recovery could tell you, that’s not a good sign.

The tags on this post tell the story in three simple and succinct words: Depression, Relapse, Cake.

February was off to a decent start and I was following those rules I had set out for myself in my last post. But the bitter temperatures, the heavy snows, the endless days off from school for the kids which meant missed work for me, my seasonal depression, and anxiety were taking a hard toll.

Then, my 5 year old son had a health problem that triggered all my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I not only went off the rails I went so far off the track I’m having to bushwhack through some very dense underbrush to even be able to see the tracks in the distance again.

I might be seeing the tracks in the distance now. I’m honestly not sure.

In the past couple of weeks I’ve gone back to eating carbs… not all of them, I’m staying Gluten Free with my son, but there’s a lot that can be done with Gluten Free flour these days. Like the cake I made on Saturday, and the other one I made on Monday.

It’s killing me slowly from the inside. I haven’t weighed myself since January 29th and if I’m not up 15 pounds I’ll be surprised.

In some ways the hardest part is that I know what I need to do to get back on track I just don’t yet have the willingness (or the strength) to do it.

Keeping off wheat has kept me remarkably sane during this relapse. There hasn’t been any of the foggy headed feeling like I am going insane. But the cake is still calling.

Calling.

Calling.

Last night after dinner the adults didn’t have any cake and honestly, at the time I didn’t want any. But I woke up this morning with the desire to eat it for breakfast.

I didn’t.

But I’m pretty sure I’m going to eat some after I publish this post.

Right now I just don’t know how not to.

My son is doing fine yet I’m not over the stress of what happened.

There are several other major sources of stress in my life that I can not escape or fix right now.

One step at a time.

I’m going to try to visit the blog more. Write more. Maybe read my old posts from when I was recovering to remember how good it can be.

But for today… I’m going to eat more cake and I suppose the best I can do is try not to hate myself for it.

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