The past 2 months have been a real struggle for me in terms of my mood and my weight. Luckily, in the last couple of weeks things have really turned around.

I started taking my anti-depressant medication and I stopped the “slipping and sliding” eating habits that had come up over the holidays and had lead to a full blown relapse.

Going back on Attack for a week and getting on the anti-depressant were both essential to clearing out my brain and making me feel like myself again. This also made me see (again) that my food choices and eating habits are about much more than just the scale. They are about helping me to function the best I can as a human being.

The result of this idea was that I made two choices coming off Attack: 1. Since I hadn’t weighed myself either before Attack I wasn’t going to weigh myself after it ended. With no point of comparison it seemed inevitable that it would mess with my head. In the interest of mental health I also decided not to weigh myself during the subsequent weeks until I felt mentally stable enough to do so. And 2. I was going to simply eat, everyday, protein and vegetables.

It’s been so easy to stick to that food plan and I’ve been doing so well that this morning (a Wednesday – my usual weigh in day) I decided – really on the spur of the moment – to weigh myself. The funny thing is that I didn’t really have that much invested in what it said, I just decided I was ready to know what it said. Of course, if it had been super high or super low I would have had some sort of reaction but I knew it wouldn’t be either of those because I feel pretty, well, normal.

The scale read 165.5 and before I could think anything else the thought, “I can live with that” popped into my head and I had hopped off the scale and was pulling on my clothes.

There feels to me like there is some sense of closure here for me, at least for now. This is where I landed and if I keep following my plan for myself then in 1 month the scale, should, in theory, say roughly the same thing.

And I can live with that.

All my life I have struggled with my weight. If I can accept this weight (which is a perfectly good one for me), and I can eat comfortably in a way that supports my mental health, and I can maintain the weight and eating habits then I think…  I’m ok.

Quite a wondrous feeling actually.

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