I’ve added the tag “recovery” to this post because today I started to feel as though I’m now straddling the line between relapse and recovery.

I know that in addiction treatment we always say that you are either in relapse or recovery as the two are basically mutually exclusive but in this case right now I feel as though it’s a teeter-totter and I’m heading back from one end to the other.

Today I stayed on plan again and it was much easier than before. The foods in the kitchen were calling me far less and I didn’t spend too much time thinking about food in general. Part of that may be the fact that I had some difficult dental work done and half of my mouth was numb for most of the day and when it ceased being numb it just hurt a lot. (Still does.)

Today I ate: cheese, yogurt, tuna, a very soft Atkins protein snack, daily dose of oat bran, eggs, another yogurt. I drank: 36 oz water, 32 oz hot tea.

I started thinking about going back to veggies tomorrow, or maybe the day after. I’m not sure, but I seemed to want them today but not in a weird, food is calling, stalker-ish, craving sort of way; just in a “hey, lettuce and tomato would be nice with this tuna” sort of way.

I took both of my doses of anti-depressant today and thanks be to the universe, they seem to be working. I have a headache to beat the band but, as my husband observed, he didn’t come home from work to discover me in my pajamas on the verge of tears ready to scream at the kids for breathing too loudly. In fact, despite the headache, the neck muscle spasm, and the hip displacement (that is yes, still plaguing me from the summer) I was still in my “out in the world” clothes and we had a kind of lovely evening with the kids.

That has to be pharmacologically based. And I am not complaining.

I’m out of the dungeon. For now. I know this stage is tenuous and I could swing in either direction. But I’m choosing to stay optimistic and believe I’m turning a corner.

Fake it ’til you make it.

That’s what’s working for me today.

Advertisements