Last night I was so anxious it would have been funny if it wasn’t painful.

I sat in bed and the anxiety just started roiling up in me like bubbling lava.

I took 1 mg of melatonin (which I take every night) to sleep, and while it works like a charm almost every time, last night I just lay there being anxious about the dumbest stuff.

Now, when I say “the dumbest stuff” I don’t mean that I’m judging my anxiety as not worthy enough, I mean it’s stupid because the things themselves were simply meaningless.

Example #1: My son left the front door open when we got home from picking him up at school. When I realized this I shut the door immediately and peered out to the driveway to check to make sure the mini-van doors were shut. They were and I forgot all about it. However, at bed time I became anxious that my memory was wrong, or that my eyes had played tricks on me, and the mini-van door was actually open in the bitter cold weather. My husband offered to go check and I told him not to because I needed to get a damn grip on myself!

Example #2: It was windy last night and I became very anxious, after going to bed, that the snow shovels we left on the porch would get… see, I don’t even know what I was anxious about… they’d blow away? They’d blow into the car and dent it? They’d blow into the front door and dent it? Some unknown and imagined horror would ensue that I wouldn’t be able to handle and I’d berate myself for months over my stupidity? Probably the last one. My husband kissed my forehead and hugged me a promised me there wasn’t anything wrong and I’d be ok.

Example #3: After my husband was asleep I became nearly panicky with anxiety as I imagined myself going downstairs and going outside to move the shovels and having the door swing shut behind me locking me out and me freezing to death because everyone in the house was asleep and wouldn’t know I was out there. This one is horribly fantastical because A. The front door has only a dead bolt lock which can be locked only with the key so to get “locked out” I’d have to take the key with me and lock the door myself. Now, if that’s not a good enough reason this anxiety is irrational then we have reason B. We have working doorbells I could ring to wake any and all of the three people in the house up to let me back in. Or if all else failed there’s reason C. Our garage door has a code on it and I could definitely get into the shelter of the garage in any circumstance. But, of course, B and C are irrelevant because, well, see reason A!

Example #4: There was a creaking noise emanating from somewhere inside my bedroom and I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from or what it was. My husband thought, since I could pinpoint it to some general place on an external wall, that it was probably, as a result of the cold and wind, the wood in the floorboards contracting. In the light of day I’m 100% confident he was correct. However, in the night it became the loudest most anxiety producing noise I could imagine and I started to feel like an insane person in a movie crawling around on the floor trying to find the source of the elusive noise. Eventually, I had to put in ear plugs to save myself from the sound. It was the only way I could sleep.

Anxiety is a huge component of my depression.

I took my medication this morning again.

I’m hoping that it helps.

I am hoping lots of things for today.

Perhaps, that’s progress in and of itself.

At least I am hoping and not hopeless.

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