I’ve done four good things for myself so far today:

1. I didn’t let being rushed and ill-prepared for breakfast on the run this morning lure me to the bagel shop again. I stopped at the market and bought a SF, low carb, protein bar and ate that instead.

2. I took my anti-depressant.

3. I went the the YMCA and walked on the treadmill for 35 minutes.

4. I ate scrambled eggs for lunch when I really wanted cake and whipped cream.

A fifth thing I did which is probably not a “good” thing but also probably not a “terrible” thing is I bought SF, low carb, chocolate and ate some.

Baby steps.

One thing I’ve realized is that as badly as I want the effects of this relapse to be gone I don’t actually want to stop eating bread and cake and all the other carbs. What I want to do is eat them and still have the benefits of my abstinence. That’s my disease talking crazy. I know that. It’s still compelling. But, since I know that I can’t have my cake and eat it too, literally, I’m trying to remind myself that once I get my system cleared of all the carbs the desire to eat them will fall away as well.

It’s a waiting game for now.

My list of things to do is larger than I’d like. I really want to just veg for a while as I wait for the anti-depressants kick in. Who knows, maybe I might…

I’m not sure if this is day 1 or not. But it’s not day 13 of relapse… at least not yet… I can hope.