I’m going to go ahead and call this Day 1 because I’m not really sure what else it could logically be.

Today was a pure protein day. I had a protein bar for breakfast, scrambled eggs with deli turkey and cheddar for lunch, my daily dose of oat bran as a late afternoon snack, and skinless chicken breast dredged in taco seasoning with shredded cheese and light sour cream for dinner.

I had two 16 oz mugs of hot tea, 24 oz of water, a 12 oz diet coke which totaled 66 oz of liquid.

The thing that could theoretically have discounted the day was the bit of SF, low-carb chocolate I ate. But the carbs were really really low in it so I think that while it violates the spirit of the recovery it didn’t actually violate the chemistry of the day.

So, it’s Day 1.

I’m ramping up my anti-depressant slowly. I take the instant release Welbutrin because the ‘new fangled’ extended release gives me weird side effects. I took one 75 mg tablet this morning and I handled myself pretty well until about 6 pm at which point the long gripping fingers of hopelessness and despair started to crawl into my brain again. I found out tonight, after doing some Googling, that the pill has a half-life of 10 hours. So, since I took it at 7:45 am this morning by 6 pm I’d past the half-life.

Tomorrow I plan to do another 1 pill day and on Wednesday hit up the second pill at around 4 pm. By Saturday things should be looking up.

Tomorrow I also plan to eat oat bran, scrambled eggs, some yogurt, a protein bar, and maybe some deli roll-ups.

I’m hoping to avoid the SF chocolate. You know… if it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck, and sounds like a duck…

All I can say is that I’m trying. But it’s hard. There’s so much stuff in the house that’s calling to me. Stuff I’ve lived with for the past 18 months and not looked twice at or thought about other than when I was feeding it to my kids. I keep visualizing stuffing my face with dried cranberries or pineapple, whipped cream and fresh strawberries, juice and pancakes.

Ugh! Stop it stop it stop it!

They say in Overeaters Anonymous that every day you’re in recovery your disease is in a corner doing push-up, just getting stronger, waiting for the relapse. They say in addiction treatment that when you relapse you don’t go back to where you left off, your disease picks up where it would have been if you’d kept going. The relapses just get harder.

But this is my life and this battle is life or death. Either I kill myself with food, or let the addiction feed my depression and anxiety, or I chose life and I fight back.

For today, I chose to fight back. I chose to fight back even though it seems hopeless and futile and more than I can muster. But it’s either that or roll over to the will of this disease.

That I can’t do.

I’m also going to take a shower and go the heck to bed now. Day 1 needs to be over for it to stay Day 1.