Since I started this new way of eating 18 months ago there have been many birthdays I’ve been involved in. My own included, twice. I’ve even been responsible for making birthday cakes most of those times and I’ve not had any trouble.

But the depression has been creeping up on me and I’m not even sure what the cause and effect relationship is here… did I go off the rails on my eating plan because of the depression? Or did my depression rear it’s ugly head because I had a “planned off plan” week in December?

I don’t know.

Right now, I don’t think it matters very much.

All that matters is that I find my way back. I want to find my way back so badly.

Last night I took out the bottle of anti-depressants that I didn’t finish last time I needed them. I stared at the bottle for a while. This morning I took one. On Wednesday I’ll up the dose to two pills a day. I’m going slowly ramping back up to my normal dose because I don’t want to develop any more anxiety which can happen to me if I up my dose too fast. I’m hoping by Saturday things are looking better.

So, what have I eaten that “so bad”. (I put that in quotes because I know it’s not objectively bad, it’s just something I know doesn’t work for me.)

Christmas Day it started with eating fruit when I was supposed to be on the Cruise phase and not eating any fruit.

Then the day after Christmas I ate trail mix with nuts and dried fruit during the car ride even though I was supposed to be on a pure protein day. For dinner I ate a hamburger with the bun and french fries. I haven’t done that in years.

Friday night, I stuck to the food plan… mostly.

Saturday night, I stuck to the food plan… mostly.

Sunday night I ate beans, rice, and guacamole.

Monday night I ate beans, rice, guacamole, and a few corn chips.

Tuesday night I ate rice.

Wednesday I ate beans and rice.

Thursday I ate more nut and dried fruit trail mix.

Friday I ate… heck, I don’t even remember.

Saturday night was the cake. Oh, the cake. The delicious devilish cake. I don’t even know why I did it. Yes, it tasted good, but ALL cake tastes good and I’ve not even been tempted in the past. This one I dove in. I ate my piece, and then finished what my son left on his plate. Then as I cleaned up the kitchen I ate what amounted to probably three or four more pieces. Then I garbage-disposal-ed the rest.

This morning I woke up hung-over and despondent. So, of course, on my way to the grocery store I stopped at the bagel store and bought a bagel, a croissant, and a box of orange juice. I ate it all in the car in the parking lot of the grocery store.

Sad. It made me sad to do it. I hate that behavior. It makes me feel so underhanded.

When I got home I confessed it to my husband who told me that I needed to trust the medication to work and to try not to beat myself up over what had already happened. Then he hugged me and took care of the kids while I took a nap. He’s so good to me.

Then tonight at dinner I ate risotto, and pie, and then another couple pieces of cake. (The cake I ate while cleaning up the kitchen after I banished everyone else from the kitchen. I do that. Aren’t I sneaky?)

This relapse probably began on Christmas Day even though it didn’t look like it at first. But it did. That’s 12 days of relapse after 613 days of abstinence.

I need tomorrow to be day 1 again.

All I can do is pray to my higher power that it will be and do my footwork. (And take my meds.)

Thanks for listening.

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