Ever since I can remember, I’ve had trouble eating breakfast when I first wake up. I’m often hungry when I wake up, but no matter if it’s early or late, hungry or not, the idea of eating right away just turns my stomach. I used to just wait it out, but in the past couple of years I’ve taken advantage of that hour or so to get started on my water consumption for the day and before breakfast I now drink about 12 oz of water and a 16 oz mug of hot tea.  Then, once the kids are dropped off at school (or camp) I come home and my stomach is ready for breakfast.

But then there are other days. Days when I wake up ravenous. You’d think on those days my stomach would be ready to take in some food immediately. Or, at least, you’d think that when my stomach was finally ready I’d get right down to eating.

But I don’t.

Something strange happens on those days. Today was one of those days and it was pretty typical. I woke up starving. I had my normal water during the morning pre-camp rush with the kids. My tea steeped while I dropped the kids off. Then I got home, drank the tea, and didn’t eat anything. Don’t get me wrong, I was still hungry, I just didn’t eat.

Today, part of the reason (there’s always a reason) was that we were out of oat bran bread and muffins and I didn’t feel like making oat bran cereal because my daughter’s camp lunch exploded in the microwave this morning as I was getting it ready. I hadn’t had a chance to clean it yet and I didn’t want my oat bran smelling or tasting like an enchilada.

Why not have some eggs?

Excellent question. I actually wanted eggs, but I was thinking that it would be nice to have them over easy and that meant making more oat bran bread. So I did that. It takes 50 minutes to bake.

Then I decided that since I had the ingredients out I should really also make a batch of oat bran muffins too.

In the end I ate breakfast (wouldn’t you know, I scrambled the eggs?!) at around 10 am when I’d been officially “up” since 6:45 am and technically awake since 4:45 am. So, I have to ask myself, why do I do this?

To be honest, I think part of the reason is that I’m a little afraid if I start eating I won’t stop. I ate breakfast not too long ago and I’m hungry still. I thought  I’d give it some time, have some water, and let my body realize that I ate 2 eggs with deli ham and light Laughing Cow cheese with a reasonably sized slice of oat bran bread and that I shouldn’t actually still be hungry. It’s not working. My stomach is growling and I’m thinking about all the other things in the house I could eat.

All the foods I’m imagining are on plan, but eating again shouldn’t be necessary.

I should be full.

But I’m not.

This is when I start to worry. Has all the stress pushed me over the edge? Is this just an emotional desire to eat? No! My stomach is actually growling! What do I do? I don’t need the extra calories. Should I just eat and then skip lunch? Why is this so difficult?

I know why this is so difficult. I have an eating disorder so none of these simple things are simple for me. I have to worry and over analyze them and feel deficient and confused.

Except I don’t. I have tools for this. This is why I spent all that time with Overeaters Anonymous and practice the principles of the program. So I’m writing about it. Getting it out of my head. Reminding myself that this is just temporary.

Reminding myself that the hunger will pass.

Reminding myself that I am not being deprived, I am taken care of, I am whole, even with the hunger.

It helps just enough, just for today.