No, I didn’t binge.

No, I’m not starting over.

But, it’s where my thoughts are leading me today and I’m trying to stay sane.

Somehow I gained 2.5 pounds this week. That means I’m up 4.5 from my lowest weight.

Yes, I have my period. But that doesn’t explain it.

I’ve been trying really hard to follow the rules of consolidation to the letter, but this week it got a little bit difficult. I cooked something on Thursday night that was comprised 1/3 of beans even though I’d had my weekly serving of starch on Wednesday night. I ate the bean dish on Thursday night, and then had leftovers on Friday. Saturday, for my celebration meal I had beans and rice with shrimp. Then, Monday, I forgot I was supposed to be doing a pure protein day and ate fruit with my lunch. Then, there was rice in my dinner, it was sushi rolls so there was not much, but it was there. All week long I was eating bowls of my homemade granola mix that I invented to be low-carb using oat bran. But it has nuts (which are a no-no) and seeds and carob in it and it’s fat content was kind of high. In a few days my husband and I had eaten the whole batch. My protein meals consisted of a lot of high fat cheeses. I’m not even going to talk about the peanut butter.

So I need to analyze the whys and wherefores here…

1. Peanut butter is a problem for me. I don’t want it to be. I love it. But I can’t moderate it so it’s a problem. I don’t know that I’m ready to give it up but for today I’m not going to have any and I’m not going to buy anymore.

2. The carbs I ate (the rice, beans, and bean pasta) were good, but not worth feeling anxious and crazy over. I liked it better over the summer when I didn’t have them as an option.

3. I like having 1 piece of fruit a day, when I want it.

4. I like eating vegetables.

5. Celebration meals are over rated and I don’t feel like I need them.

6. I refuse to lose my sanity over the scale and over my diet. It was too hard won and we’re heading into the most difficult time of year for me emotionally. I don’t need anything messing with my head right now.

This all feels true and real for me. So here is my plan:

1. I will cut back on the high fat cheese and meats that I’ve slipped into eating. They aren’t worth it and there are plenty of other things to eat.

2. I will back off the starchy foods and celebration meals unless I am in a setting where I have no choice about what I am served and then I will allow myself to go with the flow by thinking of it as a “celebration meal”. But I don’t actually need them and I refuse to lose my sanity over them by having one each week.

3. I will back off the nuts and other low-carb items that are still not allowed.

4. Each day I will eat low-fat protein, vegetables, and one serving of fruit (if I want it) with one pure protein day per week.

I know I’ve said in the past that when I make up my own plans they don’t work and I lose ground. I’m trying not to think of this as making up my own plan, but rather simply reverting back to the plan that worked before. It’s not exactly the same, I see that. That rigidity was impractical for the long term of my life, and I certainly don’t want to be on the weight lost phase forever. But, there was something about the combinations of foods and the rhythm of it that made me feel good, safe, calm, comfortable, satisfied, and stable. I don’t see how any of those things are worth sacrificing for a plate of beans.

As ever, I move onward.