I haven’t weighed myself in a while. I want to stick to my bi-weekly weigh-in check-in routine, but I was away last week and couldn’t weigh myself on Wednesday and I don’t want to get into random haphazard weigh-ins because that inevitably leads to my head getting messed with. So it’s been almost three weeks since I weighed myself and and it’s starting to make me nervous.

I’m also feeling a bit off kilter because I decided to spend a couple of weeks not logging my food to see how I handled it. Logging my food everyday in a spreadsheet (just the names of what foods I was eating and when) was staple of my weight loss experience but I recognize that I can’t do that forever. I’m bound to slip up at some point and I wanted to see in a controlled way what would happen.

I know from paying attention to my eating, staying mindful of what and when I was eating and what and when I was drinking, that I didn’t deviate from the plan at all. In fact, I am still staying below the requirements for the Consolidation Phase not having the starches or fruits I’m allowed most weeks. I’ve had two servings of starch over the past three weeks and one celebration meal in the past three weeks. I even stayed true on Christmas and my daughter’s birthday last night!

But, there is something about this experience of not weighing-in and not tracking my food that is making me jittery. I’m scared about weighing-in on Wednesday. I’m more nervous about making sure I’m maintaining than I was about losing the weight!

I think it has to do with the reality that I really don’t ever want to have to go through the pain of weight gain and then the struggle to lose again. I need to keep things like they are now and stay clear and focused.

Maybe I’m just learning that knowing what the scale says and writing down my food gives me a comfort and a peace of mind that will help me on the path of my life. If I miss a day of writing my food I can give myself a break; I know the routine and I know I can follow it even without the documentation. But, if trying to be diligent about writing it down helps me to feel sane, then I can do that. If I miss a weigh-in I know I’ll be fine, but if knowing what the scale says makes me feel sane, than I can weigh in more regularly.

This process isn’t about anyone but me and my goal to be sane and happy. So, I will care for myself by doing the things that make me sane and happy. For now, this is what it looks like.