I’m not sure what to do about weighing in tomorrow. This should be an easy decision so I’m not sure why I’m struggling to figure out what to do. Except that I’m sick again for the third time in 6 weeks and it is a real drag. I guess this is what happens when your kids each start a new school. Two groups of kid germs to go through. Blech.

So, I told myself I’d weigh in the Wednesday after Thanksgiving and maintain an every two weeks weigh in schedule during consolidation. But, I got my period today and the idea of stepping on the scale in the morning seems awful to me. My weight is always up during my period so there is nothing I can imagine I’ll see on the scale tomorrow that will make me happy or content.

On the other hand, as much as I don’t like seeing a rise on the scale I don’t like not knowing what my weight is. In my experience, whenever I’ve given up on paying attention to the scale I’ve started gaining weight and I don’t want that to happen again. I need the scale in order to maintain.

But will the number tomorrow be “real”?

I kept to my food plan pretty well while we were away for Thanksgiving except for the fact that I ate in restaurants 4 times in one week, which is unheard of for me, and I ate my celebration meal on Thanksgiving day. Those restaurant meals, even though I stuck to protein and vegetables had to have more fat and sodium than I am used to getting in an average day.

I’ve done a couple of days of pure protein since we got back, with lots of water and tea, to try to get my body back to “normal” but I have no way of knowing if it worked or not unless I weigh myself. But again, the number tomorrow will be distorted by water retention and other monthly fluctuations.

I don’t know…

I suppose this is just more evidence of the fact that I have an eating disorder. These are simple decisions that most people don’t struggle with. There is so much anticipatory stress about what the “right” thing to do is that I lose sight of the purpose of the weigh in to begin with.

The purpose of the weigh in is to give myself information about how the food I have been eating and the amount I have been exercising is effecting my body.

It’s purpose is not to tell me if I am a good person or deserving of praise.

It’s purpose is not to tell me if I am a bad person or deserving of punishment.

It’s just information.

If finding out the scale is up a few pounds isn’t fun, oh well. Better to find out now than to find out next week when it might be even higher.

Part of the problem is that my clothes feel looser than they did before. I’m not sure why. Usually, when that happens it makes me think I’ve lost weight and when I get on the scale that turns out not to be true. But yesterday I wore a pair of pants that should not have fit. They were the last pair of pre-pregnancy pants that I couldn’t fit into when all the rest of the clothes started to fit. They were too tight in the hips, butt, and thighs. Yesterday, they looked fine.

I confess I don’t know what the heck that means other than it’s giving me fodder for imagining I’ll get on the scale and see a loss tomorrow.

Basically, I’m bouncing back and forth between thinking it’s going to show a loss and thinking it’s going to show a gain and not having any idea what is wrong with my brain.

Getting it out of my head helps.