My husband and I have a pretty wonderful relationship. Our wedding vows, which we wrote, said we promised to be honest, faithful and kind to one another and to show love, respect, and forgiveness. These are the fundamental building blocks of our relationship. We’re best friends and in almost 12 years of marriage and 14 years of being together we have never felt any sort of slump in our affection for one another. I’ve heard people talk about falling in and out of love with their spouse over the years and while I understand what that means, I’ve never felt anything except powerfully in love. We tell each other everything. Even stuff that’s probably, basically, uninteresting!

I know how lucky we are.

So, imagine my surprise when I started this blog and found myself not telling him about it.

I had a blog before that I stopped working on when I began this one. It was a cooking blog. I love to cook and I spent two years writing a blog that basically posted a recipe for everything I ever cooked.

I realize now, that this is a little bit like an alcoholic reviewing alcohol and mixing drinks. I’ll be honest: it didn’t help me in my quest to lose weight.

Eventually, when my despair over my weight last spring drove me to start this blog, I stopped bothering with the other blog and put out a post explaining a temporary reprieve from posting. But, everyone I know, from my husband to my mother to my children’s school friends’ parents read that blog and I didn’t explain the real reason why I was taking a leave of absence from posting: my weight and my food addiction were running wild and I couldn’t take it any more.

Instead I began this blog, which is, primarily about my own struggle with food, my weight, body image, my emotional stability, clarity, and self-esteem. It is, at it’s core, a therapeutic outlet for me. An archive of my journey for the entirely selfish purpose of helping me. This is part of why I’ve never promoted the blog in any way or, other than commenting occasionally on other weight related blogs I like and respect, really even told anyone of it’s existence.

That there are people who follow this blog now and take the time to comment humbles me and makes me incredibly grateful for their support and understanding. Thank you. You make my process richer and easier.

Not long ago, my wonderful husband said to me, in a somewhat “forced casual way” that he’d noticed that I’d been writing a lot over the past few months but that I haven’t published anything new on the blog (meaning the cooking blog). He left it at that. No question, just and observation.

I wasn’t exactly cornered. He hadn’t asked a direct question. I could have evaded. But, I’ve never lied to this man and an evasion felt like a lie.

I told him that I’d started a blog about my issues with food and was recording my process through The Dukan Diet. He was, predictably  very supportive. Then, I gulped and told him that I didn’t want to tell him what it was called, I didn’t want him trying to find it, that i didn’t want him reading it. He nodded, told me he wouldn’t, and then asked me if it was private why I had chosen to post it on the internet.

A valid question.

So, I sat and reflected on my reason for a moment and the answer was so clear: it’s not private, it’s anonymous. I told him that if he read the blog it would cease to be anonymous and what I was after was anonymity.

Why?

If there is one thing I learned in Overeaters Anonymous it’s that the concept of anonymity is crucial to success. This is not because I am able to hide behind it as a form of protection. Anonymity is not about denying responsibility.

Anonymity is about an ability to be honest without fear.

Anonymity is about being no better or worse than anyone else.

Anonymity is about being able to be wrong without shame.

Anonymity is about seeing oneself as part of a community.

Anonymity is about being able to remove irrelevant identities to focus on the issue at hand.

Anonymity is about simply being without having to work at accepting one’s own existence.

Privacy, on the other hand, can be many things, but when it comes to my food addiction and the shame and despair it has brought me, privacy seeks to undo my work and shut me in a cell of protectionism and secrecy.

So, I thank you for reading, following, and commenting on my blog. You bring me strength.

I also thank you for supporting me in reaping the benefits of anonymity.

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