I realized that I never wrote about my doctor’s appointment the other day with the surgeon who did my weight loss surgery. I think I need to write about it because it grounds me in the fact that I am not just one of those people who is always trying to lose 10 pounds. No, I am someone who at one point had to lose 100 pounds.

You can read about my experience with weight loss surgery here on the blog.

But I think that after I lost the weight initially, I got it into my head that my struggles with weight were over. I could walk into a store and know I’d wear a size six and be able to just pick it up off the rack without a second thought. I think the succinct answer here is that I got cocky and didn’t realize that this struggle is still with me even when my body doesn’t show it through excess weight.

After starting The Dukan Diet last spring and seeing such wonderful results I became determined that this year at my annual appointment with my WLS surgeon I was not going to be complaining once again about the “baby-weight”. No, this year I’d be back to my lowest post-op weight. And. I. Was.

I mean, I knew that before I got there, obviously, I’ve been weighing myself at home. But seeing his pride in me and my accomplishment was wonderful. Then, he told me I have a normal BMI. I was floored. I said, “Not really, maybe after 5 more pounds.” He said, “Well, a normal BMI is 25 and yours is 25.7. I count that as normal. And you have exceeded all expectations.” Then we went over my blood work which was perfect. In addition to having low cholesterol and a ratio that puts me way far out of the risk zone for coronary heart disease I am actually succeeding in getting all my vitamins from my food and he agreed with me that I didn’t need any supplements. Needless to say, I was very happy.

I used to struggle so hard against the weight and the food. I was always trying to figure out how I could get around the “rules” and eat things that I knew weren’t right for my body. I was always trying to get to my goal weight so I could be finished with this and move on from it.

Now, I’m realizing that I’m never going to be finished with this and I’m never going to be able to cheat the system and eat carbs.

There are days I’m sure this would make me sad. Or angry. Or frustrated. Or helpless. Or desperate. Or defiant. Or anxious. Or exhausted.

But today it makes me feel relieved and just a little bit happy.

I’m happy because I feel as though I’ve figured out a mystery of the universe. I know what works for my body. I know what will help to keep me fit and healthy. I know what I can eat. Not so long ago I would have looked at that as knowing what I can’t eat and it would have made me sad. Somehow I have flipped that switch in my head and it is wonderful.

Now, as I move cautiously into the consolidation phase of The Dukan Diet I am thinking in terms of learning new foods that will help nourish my body, keep my mind serene, and keep my weight stable. It can be an exciting process if I choose to see it that way instead of being scary or a license to abandon all that I have won.

I am relieved because even though my journey is not over, and never will be, I can see now where I lost my way. Thinking this process was over when I reached my goal weight is what caused me to be stuck being overweight to begin with. Now, seeing that each day I must make a new commitment to myself that for today I will stick to the plan is a relief. This is not some never ending forced march. It is a constant companion for me and an ever present opportunity to show my love and affection for myself.

I left my doctor’s office the other day feeling light. Light in my shoes, and light in my heart.

Success does not mean this is over.

Success means I know that I can do this.