My son is four years old. He has no idea that I have issues with my body and my weight.

I am 11 pounds away from being a “normal weight” for the first time in my life and, according to the people who I trust to tell me the truth, I look totally normal. I’m not fat. I’m not someone that you’d look at and think, “she’s overweight”.

At least, not anymore.

I spent nearly every day this summer in a bathing suit. One day my four year old son was sitting on my lap and he began to tap against my upper arm watching it giggle as he bumped it. I watched him do this and remembered doing the same thing to my grandmother’s arm when I was about his age.

When he said, “Mommy, who put stuffing balls in your arm?” I was prepared for it and laughed.

Later in the summer he did the same thing with my thigh. I was less amused, but whatever, he’s four.

Last night, however, we were all having dinner together and out of the blue, without any warning, he turned to me and said, “Your stomach is fat. You ate too much.”

It came out of nowhere and I was totally unprepared for it. I felt as though I had been punched in the stomach and no amount of telling myself that he’s four and doesn’t understand that he’s being mean could get me to shake it off. I felt embarrassed about myself, and like a total failure.

I tried really hard not to let it effect my mood, but it instantly shot my mood to hell and I felt fragile the whole rest of the night.

In fact, when it came time to put him to bed I couldn’t do it. He was racing around unable to focus or settle down and I warned him that I would leave without reading to him if he didn’t calm down and sit. When he didn’t do it I left. He screamed and cried and I didn’t go back.

I’m not sure if my husband picked up on what was going on with me. I’m usually able to not be bothered by this stuff so it’s possible he just thought that I was tired at the end of a long day.

We watched a stupid action movie after the kids went to bed and that helped my mood lift a bit… but this morning, I’m still feeling a bit off.

I worry that it’s one of those “out of the mouths of babes” sort of situations where he’s telling me the truth that no one else will. But I don’t know.

It’s always two steps forward one step back with this process.