Scale: 157.5

Change since last week: -2

Total change: -31.5

How many days out of the past 7 did I:

  • Follow my food plan: 6
  • Drink my water: 7
  • Have my oat bran: 7
  • Do 30 minutes of exercise: 5 (60 minutes of exercise)

Today I am feeling this way about my progress:

Well, what did I say yesterday about this potential outcome? Relieved but not happy? That’s exactly how I feel.

My husband observed that I seem to put the most negative spin possible on things related to my weight. He’s right, of course.

I suppose I’ve just spent so long beating myself up over my weight that being proud of myself, or seeing myself positively, or giving myself credit for anything just doesn’t come naturally. But I’m working on it.

My body has definitely changed shape again. I can feel my rib cage and my hip bones when I’m lying down without having to suck in my breath or anything. The few “size 10” items I kept during the last clothing purge are almost so big that I can’t wear them at all anymore. And I can feel muscle under my skin without flexing. These are real changes that matter.

On Monday my mother was here and she said to me, “I wanted to ask you… I mean, I probably shouldn’t bring this up at all… But… You’ve obviously lost a lot of weight. You must be doing it on purpose.”

My poor mother.

After all the years of drama and struggle she and I had over my weight she’s so tongue tied now she doesn’t even know how to talk to me about it. Of course, she’s never known how to talk to me about it, even when she wasn’t tongue tied, which is part of why it was so terrible all those years. But, now, despite my own discomfort, I feel empathy for her discomfort as well. She wants to be supportive but she has no idea how and doesn’t want to sabotage me.

I told her, yes, it was on purpose. I downplayed the accomplishment at bit by saying that I was just so frustrated that I had never been able to get back down to the weight I had been before getting pregnant last and that my husband had wanted to lose some weight too so we threw in our lots together. I admitted to being back at the weight I had been before getting pregnant which felt good because it concretized it for her without her having to know details and it acknowledged my success. Then I diverted the conversation to be about clothes and how everything I have seems to be either too big or too small and how disappointing it was to get back to this weight and have my old clothes not fit because my body shape had changed.

It felt a bit strange to be talking about it with her, but clothes are a topic she can talk about forever so it steered the conversation to slightly less fraught ground.

My point in all of this is that in July when she told me I was looking good I responded like a bumbling idiot. Two days ago when she brought it up I was more able to own it. I’m proud of myself for that.

Last night I struggled with anxiety dreams and didn’t sleep well. I had been sleeping well for about six months that these past couple weeks of disrupted sleep have been strange for me. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that it’s happening a lot the night before I weigh in.

I’m putting too much pressure on myself.

So, here’s my plan, as I see it, today: I’m just going to stick with the “cruise” phase of the diet until Thanksgiving. Wherever I get to in that time, great. I’ll do my best to keep the food clean and just chug along. Whatever happens happens. The week before Thanksgiving, after my weigh-in on Wednesday November 14th, I will switch to “consolidation”. I’m going to ride through the holidays on “consolidation” so I can have the “celebration meal” each week, which will help me get through the obligatory holiday nonsense without having too much stress over what will or will not be available to me. Then, in January, once we get through my daughter’s birthday I’ll see where I am. If I hadn’t reached my final goal by the time I switched to “consolidation” maybe I’ll go back on “attack” and see if I can knock out those last few pounds. If’ I’ve gained on “consolidation” I’ll go back on “attack” and fix the problem as quickly as I can. Or, if I’ve been able to maintain and accepted my final landing spot then I’ll just keep going.

I started this diet with the notion that I’d do it one day at a time until I didn’t want to do it anymore. The strange thing is that through this process I’ve found peace and comfort in the structure of the meal plan and I’m more than happy to keep going. I think I just need to reorient my thinking back away from the weight and put it back on the fact that this was bringing me peace of mind and emotional stability.

If I allow the numbers on the scale, now that I have achieved the most important goal I’ve had for the past 5 years, to unseat me emotionally than I will lose the most important thing I’ve gained from this process.

For today, I am good enough as I am.

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