Last night I barely slept. I woke up at 3am and couldn’t go back to sleep except for fitful bouts of 15 minute naps riddled with anxiety dreams. There really wasn’t any cause for any of it. The only thing I can point to is that when I got up to use the bathroom at 3am my daughter got up too and startled me in the hallway. I had lots of adrenaline going and I think it just messed me up inside.

I spent a lot of time worrying about the how and why’s of some money choices I’ve made lately, I spent a while rehashing all the scary or creepy things I’ve ever heard, and thinking about what I ate last night.

We went to an Oktoberfest block party last night. The kids had a blast running around and even though we didn’t really know anyone there except the hosts everyone was very friendly and inviting and so we had a nice time. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much of anything that was an ideal choice for the diet.

There was plenty of meat, don’t get me wrong, but most of it was super high fat and the rest of the food was off limits entirely. I think, overall, I made some decent choices. I picked a small amount of the leanest meat I could find, some roasted pork. Then, I smelled the ribs. Luckily there were only 2 left by the time I made it over to the food table and I while I did take both onto my plate I gave one of them to my husband. So, all in all, 2-3 oz of relatively lean pork and 1 rib wasn’t such a bad choice.

The mistake I made was that there was a giant tub of dry roasted peanuts out on the table. I confess to having three handfuls of peanuts.

It is sort of amazing to me that I was able to basically ignore the table filled with cakes, cookies, brownies, and ice cream even while cutting slices of apple cake for my daughter to eat. No biggie, I couldn’t have cared less. I was also able to pass up the sausage, hamburgers, pasta salad, and chips without any effort either.

But the peanuts called to me.

I remember from Overeaters Anonymous that when one addiction would lift another would present itself. Kind of like when an alcoholic stops drinking and suddenly develops and eating disorder. Addiction just shifts.

But I’m not convinced this is actually an addiction problem. I’m not snaking them, or getting myself a secret stash, or fantasizing about them when they aren’t present. I just have a hard time resisting them when they are there. I think, in part, it’s because my diet is relatively limited and the peanuts provide a salty crunchy satisfaction that I can’t get from anything else.

On the other hand I’ve spent a lot of time talking about them here so maybe I’m just rationalizing because don’t have the willingness yet to let go of them. I don’t know.

Maybe when I finally finish the weight-loss portion of the diet, and then finish stabilizing at my new weight, and it’s time to find out what my new normal eating plan is there will be more clarity about this.

All I know is I will keep paying attention.

Overall, today, I’m exhausted. I’ll be taking my hour long walk later today (I won’t be able to get one in tomorrow because of work) and that will either rejuvenate me or exhaust me further. We’ll see which way that goes.

But for today I will focus on my willingness to keep trying.

It is a blessing I welcome one day at a time.

Advertisements