Scale: 159.5

Change since last week: +2

Total change: -29.5

How many days out of the past 7 did I:

  • Follow my food plan: 7
  • Drink my water: 7
  • Have my oat bran: 7
  • Do 30 minutes of exercise: 3

Today I am feeling this way about my progress:

While I might have expected that I’d be furious and despondent over this gain, I’m not. Mostly, I’m just confused. I don’t get it. I didn’t really do anything all that different this week than last. Wait, I’m going to go look over my food log and see if that’s true before I allow myself to go down that path.

Ok, so as far as “doing thing differently” this week goes I can point to a few things that were out of the ordinary:

  • I ate in a restaurant on two different nights and both meals had a lot of fat and salt in them.
  • I ate more tuna salad (with mayo) than usual.
  • There were the three bags of peanuts.
  • I jogged last night and had a killer of a yoga class that left me stiff and sore.

That seems to cover it.

There are really three components here:

  1. The food.
  2. The mind body connection.
  3. How I feel about going forward.

I can’t really believe that those deviations to the food plan could have caused a two pound weight gain. But, the scale doesn’t lie. So, something was out of whack this week. I went back to look at the weeks where I had pretty big losses and it looks as though those weeks the exercise was minimal, just walking, and the food was simpler:

  • Deli meat and cheese rolls where the cheese was made with 2% milk.
  • Steamed veggies.
  • Veggies & dip.
  • Yogurt.
  • More fish.

Those are things I can go back to pretty easily. Except I’m going to miss running. I’ve really been getting excited about that. But the time for that will return and hopefully I’ll be even more excited about it then.

The mind body connection is the trickiest because this experience just underscores for me how disconnected I am from my body. It always happens that the weeks I’m “feeling thinner” and I’m convinced there will have been a big loss are the weeks that the scale either doesn’t budge, moves only 1/2 pound, or I gain. Yet, the weeks that I fear the scale and worry that I’ve gained are the weeks that show big losses.

It frustrates me that I don’t seem to be able to tell what’s actually happening with my body. My mother-in-law seems to know with precision when she’s gained or lost a pound without having to get on the scale and she’s always right. I don’t know how she does it. I don’t know how to connect like that with my body. Perhaps, this is just the natural outcome of a lifetime with an eating disorder that tried so hard to cut my brain off from my body so my brain could be protected from some of the pain of the effects the eating had on my body. I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I wish I knew.

But, I don’t know.

I have to accept that I don’t know.

What to do from this point forward is tricky and at the same time it’s not tricky at all. The not tricky part is that I know I need to just keep on keeping on, tweaking here and there to clean up any sloppiness and trust in this process that has brought me this far. I have no difficulty following this food plan and there isn’t anything I’d really like to do differently with my food right now.

Although I will admit that in a small act of defiance I ate 3 tablespoons of oat bran this morning instead of the 2 that is proscribed. I’m not going to lose sleep over that. At the same time, while rummaging through the cabinets this morning while packing the kids’ school lunches I discovered a jar of chocolate peanut butter. My thoughts went in this order:

“I thought I got rid of all the peanut butter. I can’t eat this it has sugar in it. There’s not actually very much sugar in this. The fat is actually lower per tbsp then regular peanut butter. Maybe I could eat this. Ack! What are you doing?”

I took the jar and handed it my husband and said, “Can you please take this to your office?”

God bless that man he just looked at the jar, saw what it was, said “yes”, put it in his bag and didn’t say another word.

So, my day of food will be normal.

But it is so frustrating that this two pound swing took me from 1 pound below my goal to 1 pound above my goal. It shouldn’t matter this much, but it feels as though that accomplishment has been snatched away from me.

I’ll admit I started to weigh the various benefits of going back on “Attack” to force my way through this plateau and going on to “Consolidation” by cutting my losses and accepting that this is as far as I could make it.

Frankly, I don’t want to do either. So, for today I’ll stick with the plan and just be nice to myself.

I’ve always found strength in the OA maxim: “Don’t just do something, sit there.” In this case I’m going to give myself until tomorrow to decide what to do next. After a month of a total net weight loss of 1 pound it might be time to consider a change.


Tomorrow is another day.