I had a great yoga class tonight. It was hard. It made me sweat. It made me work. It made me feel confident and competent in my body. It felt as though all of a sudden my body was capable of things that it wasn’t two weeks ago which was the last time I was there.

Before class I went for my diet required walk and I found my feet itching to start running. I’ve been feeling that way a lot lately on my walks and I haven’t really been sure what to do about it. When I lost 94 pounds after my daughter was born 7 years ago I got to within 4 pounds of my goal and then I started running. It was slow at first and then I actually got kind of good at it.

The positive part of that was that I got pretty darn fit. The negative part of that was that I gained 6 pounds from my lowest weight. It wasn’t actually negative because it was clearly muscle and my clothes still fit great. But I never hit that goal I had set for myself and despite a 94 pound loss and a maintenance of 88 pounds lost the fact that I stopped before hitting my goal always nagged at me.

So, on some level, running worries me a bit.

I don’t want the same thing to happen again. I don’t want to be within 12 pounds of my goal and suddenly enjoy having lost 31.5 pounds so much that I stop making progress towards my goal.

But tonight, while walking, I got the itch to run again. I tried it for a bit. I walked for about 10 minutes, jogged for 5, walked for 5, and then jogged for another 10.

It felt good.

I felt light.

Really. I felt light.

It was really weird.

It just didn’t seem hard.

I could lift my legs easily. Propel my body forward with ease.

Then in yoga I was able to stick it out through some really challenging sequences. My flexibility was increased. I could grab my feet easily with my knees in my chest. I’ve never been able to do that. Crossed leg poses I’ve never been able to do because my thighs were too fat were suddenly possible tonight. I could bend and stretch and support my body in ways that I don’t recall being able to do before.

My body felt like an ally tonight.

I’m not used to that. I’m used to having to fight my body, not have it make me proud.

I was proud of myself tonight.

Then I came home and had such a lack of appetite I almost skipped dinner.

But then, after about an hour, after putting the kids to bed, I decided to eat dinner, to eat my planned meal.

Why?

Because when I skip a meal it messes with my head. A skipped meal means permission to deviate or fall off from my plan or just eat mindlessly because the skipped meal is something that makes up for the senseless eating that comes after.

Not really.

That’s just the eating disordered thinking.

I call that self-sabotage.

So, instead I ate my planned dinner of scrambled eggs with turkey and cheese and a yogurt stick for dessert.

My body was working with me tonight. So tonight I decided to work with my body in return.

I’m hoping this positive feeling, these changes, are reflected and reinforced on the scale in the morning. I’m not sure how I’ll feel if they are not. The closer I get to my goal the more it means to me, the more it means to me to see those numbers drop.

It’s strange because I would have thought those numbers at the beginning would be most important, getting out of the danger zone I was in. But those weigh-ins seem different to me now. When I started I had incremental goals. I’ve met all of those. There is only one goal left. It gives the journey a different perspective.

I am emotionally engaged in this up to my eyeballs!

That can be a good thing. It will keep me honest. It will keep me working. It will keep me paying attention to myself.

I just have to put in the work each day to keep things in perspective.

We’ll see how much perspective I have in the morning after weigh-in.

We’ll see.

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