In Overeaters Anonymous there is a saying, “when you want to eat, go to a meeting”. What I took from that was simply that by getting myself to a meeting it would make it impossible for me to eat. At least, while I was in the meeting.

Now that I don’t get the chance to get to meetings I’ve been using the tool of writing more, by keeping this blog. It seems to me that when I’m working on keeping my thoughts in line through writing I am also keeping my hands and mouth in line. I’m sure I could find a way to prove or disprove this by going back and putting together a calendar of my posts and cross reference it with the weigh-in results each week. But I don’t really feel I need to be so literal about it.

What happens to me when I’m writing and keeping up with my entries here is that my mind stays focused on the general task of sticking to the food plan. It’s important to me to note that sticking to my food plan is about more than just seeing weight loss at the end of the week. Sticking to my food plan is about staying calm, feeling good about how I’m doing, feeling confident in myself, and feeling optimistic about meeting my goals.

Sticking to my food plan is about staying sane.

It’s harder to do all of those things when I’m not writing.

This weekend I didn’t write anything primarily because weekends are filled with chaos. My husband is home, my kids are home, we’re running from one activity to the next. There is barely time to think let alone find a quiet space to get my thoughts together and write about them.

Then, Monday morning I have an hour between getting them all out of the house and getting myself out the door to work. The rhythm of my own life doesn’t settle down again until mid-day on Tuesday.

So, this weekend, I ate something that wasn’t 100% off plan but was more like 5% off plan. I ate peanuts. Actually, I ate two bags of peanuts on Saturday and one on Sunday. This morning while getting the kids’ lunches packed for school I threw away the two remaining bags of peanuts. This is what happened:

Last year I was on a diet that allowed nuts and I bought a large box of single serving peanuts bags. I haven’t touched them in about a year even though they’ve stayed in the kitchen cabinet. I learned this summer that when I had PMS, or was feeling totally depleted, or had been really light on eating fat for a day that peanut butter became my go-to “cheat” on this diet. It’s not on the diet because it’s high in fat, but it’s not a “real cheat” in my mind because it’s not a carb or a sugar.

Then I realized that the peanut butter was starting to be a problem and that once I had a tablespoon I kept going back to the jar. So, the jars of peanut butter got thrown out and not replaced. (Thank goodness neither of my kids likes peanut butter and jelly!)

But then, lurking in the cupboard were the bags of peanuts. I successfully avoided them for a fairly long while and then this weekend I caved. Two bags on Saturday afternoon as a snack. I think the only reason I ate them was that I had taken my daughter and a friend out for pizza and mozzarella sticks for lunch and I was feeling the need to feel indulged after not partaking.

Then, last night I was hungry before bed. My husband and I were folding laundry and watching a movie and with about 30 minutes left I caved in again and ate a bag of peanuts and two cheese sticks.

Now, I’ve spent all of today worrying about how those 66 grams of fat are going to impact my weigh-in on Wednesday.

I think all of that is a clue that while I’m on the weight loss part of this diet I can’t eat nuts. For whatever reason they just aren’t safe for me because I can’t control the intake.

Maybe when I’m on the maintenance phase I can test it out to see how I do.

I’d like to think that my relatively rational approach to avoiding the peanuts and peanut butter and my relatively rapid realization means that I’m healing and gaining clarity. I am fearful that it means I’m obsessing. But right now, it’s hard to know if I’m being overly reactive or not.

All I know is that the more I write the better I feel so I’m writing about the peanuts in the hopes that it will bring some clarity.

Time will tell.