2 pounds is so little. Yet it looms so large.

According to yesterday’s weigh-in I have 2 pounds to lose before I am at the weight I was before I got pregnant with my son 5 years ago.

I weighed 158.5 pounds.

More importantly, I had been maintaining that weight for 18 months after losing almost 90 pounds.

Actually, I’d lost a total of 94 pounds, but I gained back 6.5 once I started running and it didn’t bother me at all. I was healthy. I was running races. My weight was stable. Who cares that I put on a few pounds of muscle. For once that wasn’t a rationalization! It was true!

I need to say this again: I had maintained that weight for 18 months. I have never, at any other time in my life, ever maintained any weight for that long. It was simply amazing.

I could go into stores and know what my size was without having to try things on. I could go into Ann Taylor and buy clothes. I didn’t need to get everything at Target because my weight was changing so frequently I wouldn’t want to spend any money on clothes that felt temporary.

Last winter I had to buy a new round of clothes from Target because everything was too tight and I needed something to wear to work. When I get home in a month I will have to dig out my trunk of clothes and pull out smaller sizes and pack up those larger sizes. I might even have to get new clothes again. Smaller ones. Which would be amazing.

There are other blog posts in here:

  1. What do I do with those clothes? Is it better to save them or give them away?
  2. How do I manage the “consolidation” phase of this diet and understand my abstinence in light of the diet as written?
  3. Do I dare buy “real” clothes from a department store again? Do I dare to be that confident in myself and my ability to maintain the loss this time?
  4. Have I really found an abstinence that works for me? Is this maintainable?

But, I’ll file them away for the point in time when they are relevant. For now, I’m just staring at the number 2.

2.

1+1.

* *

Two.

Dos.

32 ounces.

It’s flying around my head like a ghost.

I am so close.

And yet, I am cautioning myself not to get my hopes up. If I get my hopes up I will be disappointed.

You see, next Tuesday is my birthday. I wanted to be at my goal by my birthday. It seemed to mean something bigger; to be at my goal by my birthday. The diet guide calculator I used at the beginning said I’d be at my goal by my birthday. It took the “average weight loss to be expected per week” and then calculated out from that. The problem is that I don’t lose weight that steadily, that evenly, with the “average per week” actually happening each week.

This past week I lost 2.5 pounds. Next week I will not lose anything close to that. When I look at the pattern of my weight loss a week of 2.5 pounds lost is followed by a loss of 1/2 pound… or gaining 1/2 pound. Then the following week I might drop 1.5 or only 1 and then, out of the blue another week comes along with a big drop like 2.5 or 3 pounds.

Next week on weigh-in day I will have my period. This makes the hopes of a 2 pound loss pure folly. I will be lucky to maintain my current weight. I’m thinking of skipping the weigh-in. I’ll have to write a whole other post on the wisdom vs. danger of that choice.

Next week I will stick to my diet because my goal is more important than one birthday. Hell, I’ve not eaten any fruit this summer despite being in the lap of the most delicious produce I get all year. My goal is more important than one summer of peaches and blueberries. My goal is more important than one birthday. My goal is more important than almost anything.

I must tell myself that often lest I forget.

I will not make my goal weight by my birthday.

This will have to be ok.

I suspect that I will hit my goal weight in 2 more weeks, by August 22nd. Then I will have to see how 5 years and another pregnancy and age have altered my body shape beyond the numbers on the scale and see if my clothes fit correctly. Maybe my shape has changed and despite the lower weight I will still have to get new clothes. Who knows? Not I.

But I need to let go of the scales results next week. It is happenstance that my birthday falls so close to achieving my goal.

My goal is for my life not for my birthday.

It is not a birthday gift.

It is not a gift period.

It is something I have worked for and earned.

It will be mine and I can wait for it for when it arrives it will be so sweet. I just don’t want to wait too long. After all, this is a significant milestone, but I won’t be finished yet!

 

 

 

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