I’m still sick with this stupid cold that has been oddly debilitating. When I’m sick I tend to sleep a lot and while I’m utterly exhausted, I can’t sleep with this cold because every time I lie down I get this terrible itchy, scratchy, dry, tickley, spastic involuntary cough.  There’s nothing in my chest to cough out so it’s this weak little cough that spasms in my throat and sleep becomes impossible.

I’ve eaten so many sugar free cough drops in the past three days that they are starting to make me seriously nauseated. But it’s the only thing that stops the cough, and only for while I’m sucking on it.

I have no appetite and so I’m face to face with the age old dilemma when dieting: I still have to eat.

I’ve never suffered from anorexia (since I don’t count the few times when I’ve starved myself for a couple of days out of self loathing and then binged myself into a food coma). But when I’m sick and I don’t eat I start imagining the weight this is helping me lose. That is a particularly sick thought.

But, of course, missing meals really just triggers my eating disordered brain into telling me that the next time I eat I can “make up” for the lost meal.

Being sick and having head congestion just leads me to not want to eat anything other than bland starchy refined carbs like bread and pasta. Of course they are off my diet but more importantly may be off my food plan for life because I’m starting to believe they are the cause of my recurrent bouts of anxiety and depression.

In short, being sick messes with my head and makes everything harder with food.

Add to the mix the fact that I’m supposed to be getting ready to travel tomorrow morning with my two kids. I’m basically making a five day road trip with a 7 and 4 year old to go stay in a hotel in a city where our time will be taken up with family activities, in public places, where there will be no other children, and we’ll essentially be idle most of the time with no way of entertaining them.

My son is getting over being sick. I’m sick. My daughter started complaining this morning of an itchy throat. I can’t even tell you how much I don’t want to make this trip. I want to go back to bed. I can’t even get in touch with my husband to discuss this with him because he was stuck at O’Hare airport last night in the storm and his flight didn’t take off until 3am which means he didn’t get home until 7am and he’s either asleep right now (I hope) or scrambling frantically for a meeting he’s supposed to have tonight (that I suggested he reschedule).

Man, I’m feeling sorry for myself.

I don’t know how I’m going to manage this trip. I won’t have access to my safe foods. I’m going to be eating in restaurants with my husbands extended family, few of whom I know well and all of whom I know to be the sort of people to remark and comment on what I’m eating more as a way of making conversation than out of maliciousness, but man it’s going to mess with my head.

My son, who’s 4 years old, is gluten intolerant and I have no no idea how we’re going to manage food for him on this trip with all the restaurant eating.

I’m swirling out of control a bit in my head. My grounding is missing at the moment and I’m not sure how to get it back.

I think I need to go back to bed. Not to hide, per se, but to try to get some rest. I have a few hours of respite with my kids off at camp until 2pm. I have to tell myself that I can pack and get things done while they are here, I need to use the time when they are away for resting.

I am not perfect. Nor do I have to be. I will do the best I can to progress towards my goal. I will let go of any other expectations.

This will be my mantra for today.