Scale: 172.5

Change since last week: -2.5

Total change: -16.5

How many days out of the past 7 did I:

  • Follow my food plan: 7
  • Drink my water: 7
  • Have my oat bran: 7
  • Do 30 minutes of exercise: 4

Today I am feeling this way about my progress:

I suppose I am relieved. The night before weigh-in day I get so… what do I say here… nervous? anxious?… no, the word is worried. I get worried. Have my efforts the prior week been enough to show movement on the scale? But, of course there is sickness to that worry and the things I am driven to think might “help”.

I always associated dieting with deprivation because, well, they are designed to deprive. Some cut calories, some cut fat, some cut protein, some cut carbs, some cut solid food, some cut out combinations. Many sound insane from the outside. Many are insane.

But I’m not feeling deprived on this diet. I don’t feel hungry ever (unless I’ve legitimately missed a meal or am very late for a meal). I often feel full and satisfied. I made an amazing “pizza” the other night with a cauliflower and egg “crust” topped with low fat cheese, homemade fat free sauce, and veggies. Even my normal-weight, normal-eater, husband loved it. He asked me to make it again.

But I felt guilty after I ate it.

I have to figure this out.

Why does enjoying food mean that I wind up feeling guilty? I suppose it’s not “guilty” actually that I’m feeling. It’s more like worried.

Worried that if it was good to eat it’s going to negatively impact the scale.

I don’t want to get sucked into that mind game.

These are some thoughts I had this week that worry me:

  • If I under eat the day before my weigh-in the results on the scale will be better.
  • At this rate I could be a “X” weight by “X” date.
  • How different will my bathing suit look in a couple of weeks when I get to the beach?

I have to expunge these ideas from my brain. They don’t help.

Instead I’m going to focus on things that I did differently this week that I think helped the scale and helped me:

  • I didn’t consume any zero calorie drinks like Vitamin Water, Honest-Ade, or the like. I had two diet sodas but that was it. Everything else I drank was water and tea. I don’t know if this actually helped, but, I do think it’s a healthier choice.
  • I didn’t over-do the water consumption. Some days I had been up over 100 oz but that doesn’t seem to help. This past week I stayed around 74 oz a day.
  • I ate sushi three times. I don’t actually think that the sushi is responsible, but I do think that having more fish helped. Which is great, because I love it.
  • I chewed more sugarless gum. I don’t honestly know what that accomplishes, but it was an easy alternative to a snack when really, what I wanted to be doing was chewing not necessarily eating.

Most importantly, I continued to focus on just getting through the day and not worrying about what I was going to be eating tomorrow. There is a fine line between being prepared and obsessing. One thing this diet recommends is that you simply never run out of the foods you need to have on hand for the diet. This is such good advice. I think about the food when I’m making my grocery list and dinner-planning for the week and then I forget about it. I know what I’m going to eat for breakfast; it’s the same exact thing everyday. When lunch and snack times roll around I just open the fridge and there are plenty of allowable choices right in front of me.

One note on breakfast. I used to think that the idea of eating the same thing for breakfast every single day would drive me crazy and I’d feel constrained by it. But right now, I’m not. I love it. I don’t have to wonder what to eat or how to prepare it. It’s just there, waiting for me. It’s a relief.

My husband asked me this morning if my determination had been renewed with this weigh-in. I’m not sure it needed renewing, maybe just a little bit of cheer-leading. It did get that. But this journey is not over. It’s about so much more than the scale, it’s about me learning how to live with this food addiction without succumbing to it.

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