I had two food dreams last night.

In the first one I was eating bakery bread, with something fatty and creamy spread upon it. In the dream I was staring at myself in a mirror watching myself eat the bread. There was almost a slow-motion sensuality to it.

But part of my brain was panicking. I knew this was wrong.

In the dream I “woke up” and ran down to the kitchen to find my mother and my husband there. I demanded they tell me if I was awake or asleep. I was desperately trying to figure out if what I had just experienced if I had been real. Desperately hoping it had just been a dream.

But in the dream I kept being assured that I was awake and that it had been real.

In the second dream I decided to make pancakes for the kids and then ate one and a half of them. Half-way through that second pancake I panicked again and thought, “Oh no, is this a dream or is this real? What is going on?!”

When I finally did wake up for real I realized that I haven’t had a food dream like this in years. Never on any diet I’ve been on in my life did I have food dreams like this.

Food dreams with such realism.

Food dreams with such sensuous abandon.

Food dreams with the panic and fear that I had ruined something by eating that food.

Food dreams only about refined carbs and sugar.

What does this mean? What is going on?

The only time in my life I’ve ever had food dreams like this was when I was first starting out in Overeaters Anonymous. When I had first found abstinence. I was so proud, so relieved, so finally free of the non-stop burden of the food’s oppression that the thought of eating the foods from which I was abstaining seemed like an act of insanity.

The truth is that eating the foods from which I was abstaining was an act of insanity. Step Two: Came to believe a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.

Sanity.

Freedom from the food addiction.

These things come from abstaining.

Abstaining one day at a time.

And that’s what I’m doing now.

This diet is digging deep. Doing more to uproot my psychic link to food than anything else I’ve done in years. These dreams are showing me my own mind, showing me how much this matters, showing me the path to sanity… one day at a time.

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