I’m in a strange place right now. I’m moving forward on this diet and my weight loss has slowed… but my motivation hasn’t left me. I’m still feeling connected to the food plan and while it gets a bit boring at times from the lack of variety I can see that’s from my own lack of interest in being imaginative and less about not liking the diet.

Strange.

Usually the weight loss had to roll along at a steady clip in order to make me stay focused and motivated. But it’s slowed, somewhat dramatically, (from 6.5 pounds in the first week to 1 pound these past two weeks) and I’m not feeling the call of the food the way I might have in the past.

Case in point: the hardest time of day for me is the hours from about 3:30-6:30, the danger hours. During that time of day all I want to do is eat and for some reason what I want to eat is stuff that’s not on my food plan. Of course, the foods my kids eat are not on my food plan.

My daughter eats like a grown-up: vegetables galore, proteins, she can throw away a half eaten cookie because she’s just finished with it. I marvel at her (but from afar because I don’t want any of my eating disorder crazy to leak out onto her when she’s showing no signs of it).

My son on the other hand is a typical kid eater. He’s got a gluten allergy, but still eats mostly carbs, dairy, and fruit.

When the four of us are eating together my daughter eats what the adults Making, serving, and cleaning up from their dinner is difficult for me. The other night the kids were eating dinner by themselves and they were eating my number one trigger. I was doing fine until my son ate two bites, declared he wasn’t hungry, and then left the table. My daughter finished eating and then cleared her plate and left the kitchen as well. There I was. Sitting at the table. Facing a bowl of my trigger.

Given my frustration about my slowed weight loss I wouldn’t have been surprised at all if I’d just eaten it.

But.

I.

Didn’t.

I don’t know how, but that it was through the grace of something that I didn’t. Really, the miraculous part is that I didn’t want to. I mean, I thought about it, but it just didn’t seem all that appealing. So, I dumped it in the sink and went about my business cleaning up the kitchen.

I remember in program hearing people say, “Nothing tastes as good as abstinence feels.” I also remember being abstinent and feeling it. I just didn’t remember what it felt like. In my memory it was all about deprivation and will power. A mantra to make me able to resist temptation. Except it wasn’t that. It was real. And it was glorious.

Advertisements