Scale: 182.5

Change since last week: – 6.5

How many days out of the past 7 did I:

  • Follow my food plan: 6 (I deviated one meal and to such a minor degree I almost wrote ‘7’ but didn’t for the sake of honesty)
  • Drink my water: 7
  • Have my oat bran: 7
  • Do 20 minutes of exercise: 3

Today I am feeling this way about my progress:

My head is spinning a bit from this weigh-in this morning. Wow is what I want to say first. But then again I can’t because the scale, that I was trying to conceptualize as my friend, screwed with me.

See the first time I got on the scale it said I was down 8 pounds. I was stunned. So I got off and then back on. That’s when it read a loss of 6.5 pounds.

I got off and on again another 10 times.

Half of the times it said 182.5.

Sometimes it said 181.

Sometimes it said 181.5.

It’s funny to me that I can not even correctly anticipate my own neurosis.

I was afraid to have lost too much or too little which would have caused my brain to spin out into eating disordered thinking.

Instead I’ve got two numbers battling it out in my brain for supremacy. (Still, yet another form of eating disordered thinking.)

I’m perfectly happy accepting 182.5. Really, I am. It’s amazing. It’s wonderful. It’s encouraging. It’s empowering. It’s motivating.

But, here goes my head: what about next week? What happens when next week you get on the scale and it says 181? Or 180.5? Or horror of horrors, 181.5?! Why is it a horror? Because I will not have forgotten the sight of that 181, even though it was a mirage, and it will confuse me.

I will feel discouraged.

I will feel frustrated.

I will feel like giving up.

Today, I don’t feel like giving up.

But, I’m already predicting that next week I will want to give up.

I don’t want to feel like giving up.

I want this to work.

I need this to work.

For today I’m going to stick to my plan. Eat my lunch, progress throughout my day, eat my afternoon snack, progress throughout my day, eat my dinner, progress throughout my day, and go to bed. May the higher power I don’t yet believe in give me strength.