Tomorrow is my weigh-in day. I’m scared. What am I scared of?

That I will not have lost weight?

That I will have lost weight?

That it will have been too little?

That is will have been too much?

All of the above.

I’m scared.

I told myself when I started this that it was just going to be a test. A trial. An attempt, free from expectations. Free of hysterical consequences.

I told myself.

I listened only until my disease started talking louder.

After the first three days the cravings and the obsessive thoughts about food were silenced. I don’t know how, they just were gone. I stopped looking longingly at things I could not have. Instead to simply sought the things I could.

After day 5 I saw the recent bloatedness in my face had dissipated.

That’s all it took.

Suddenly for the first time in months the line from my cheek bone to my jaw bone was a straight line again. The heaviness of my lower jaw is still present, but the rounded, bloated, puffy look of my cheeks was gone.

That’s all it took.

My brain was off and running; speculating on how much weight I must have lost to accomplish that.

Maybe I’ve lost 2 or 3 pounds already!

What will that mean after a few more days? Can I expect to see 5 pounds lost on the scale?

What if it’s 10 pounds!

I could be at my goal in a month! Forget four to six months it will take to safely lose 35 pounds at the healthy rate of 1-2 pounds per week. I could be at goal by the time summer vacation starts!

Then comes the scary turn around: what if I didn’t lose anything?

What if I’m imagining my face to look thinner?

Will I go off the deep end and wind up on an eating bender with no hope in sight?

Will I simply give up on my body, on myself, and coast ever upward until the single home scale can no longer weigh me?

Thoughts spin. I put them here to get them out of my head. Outside of me.

Maybe here, on this page, they won’t be able to hurt me.

Tomorrow is coming fleet of foot. I hope to meet it with calm, peace, acceptance, and goodwill. I ask the power greater than myself to grant me perspective when that number flashes tomorrow morning. Because no matter what it is, it won’t be fantasy, it will be true.

Advertisements